I used to see two main types of personalities in my therapy room.
The “good” boys and girls and the “rebels”.
The “good” boys and girls were the ones who really wanted to please me. They always turned up on time (or early), diligently did any homework I gave them and were just very easy going and compliant. They enjoyed rules and stuck to them completely. My Lovelies fall into this category.
The “rebels” on the other hand often turned up a bit late, didn’t always complete their homework and didn’t really give a hoot what I thought. They weren’t bad people; they just liked to do things their own way in their own time. They probably think the “good” boys and girls are a bit square. My Lonelies fall into this category.
As far back as I can remember I’ve always been a “good” girl. I had a beautiful, but very hot-headed Mother. She was very warm and loving but had a fiery Irish temper. I learned from a very early age if I behaved I stayed on her warm loving side if I didn’t then woe betide!
I’m the youngest of 3 children and I regularly saw my 2 older siblings get a tongue lashing (or worse) and I thought no thanks, that’s not for me, so delicate little flower that I am, I just learned to be a good girl.
In fact the only time I’ve ever really been in trouble in my life was for talking too much, and now I do that for a living!
As children we have to fit in, we have to toe the line, behave, sit still, be quiet, play nice – do what we’re told in other words.
And if we don’t, we risk disapproval, chastisement and punishment.
In some families/environments children are even shamed by the grown-ups to get them to conform. They get compared to friend’s children or neighbours children or they’re told they’ll be taken away somewhere terrible if they don’t behave. Often this is how the grown-up was “trained” to conform. You don’t usually deal shame unless you yourself have been shamed.
All of this treatment in our younger years can give some of us an incredible fear of stepping out of line, of doing the wrong thing or not being “perfect”.
If we already have a belief that we are not good enough, flawed, different or damaged somehow, then this only make things worse.
It then leads to a huge fear of what other people think of us. Of being judged. Of being shamed again for our ways or our behaviour. Social media and societal “norms” have only added to this fear.
“Good” boys and girls can spend their whole life worried, debilitated, even crippled by what other people think of them.
Well who are these “other people” we worry so much about? Do they even exist?
You’re a grown-up yourself now. You are free to live your life in any way you choose as long as you don’t break the law. You’re MEANT to be your own person living in your own way. Not your parents way, or your friends way or your neighbours way.
If you’re a “good” boy or girl you generally live your life in a good, clean way anyway, so you have nothing to worry about.
Sadly, in my experience, you’re the ones who worry the most.
And if you spend your whole life worrying about what other people think of you, you are giving away so much of your power.
You’re only going to live a half life. You’re only going to be half of the person you’re meant to be.
You’re just being a puppet and you’re giving that other person your strings. You’re giving them the power to control your behaviours, your decisions and your life.
Well, no.
It’s got to stop, or you’ll NEVER be truly happy.
First of all, in my experience, very often those “other people” if they do exist, are just getting on with their own lives, their own business. They’re not really interested in what you’re doing at all. Honestly.
Secondly, if they are interested, those other people could be tired, hungry, hormonal, fed up or just not having a good day. They might have had an argument with their boss or husband or wife or whatever. Their judgements about you are not really to do with you.
Thirdly, they could be toxic, jealous or just downright nasty people. They are viewing you and your life through their own dark lens. If they are judging you badly it’s because they’re probably bitter, unfulfilled and envious and they’re projecting all of that onto you. It’s their stuff, not yours. If it’s not yours, don’t have it.
One of the ways I took my power back after a LIFETIME of worrying what other people thought of me was to come up with my manifesto. It’s what I stand for. A way of living that I thought was the right way for me. As long as I live my life by my manifesto, my own rules, I know that I’m living my life in a clean way. Not deliberately hurting or harming anyone, just doing my own thing. You can have a look at my manifesto here on my manifesto page – it’s helped me to stop worrying about what “other people” think of me. It might help you too.
What can you start doing today to take your power back? To stop being someone else’s puppet?
Decide from now on you’re going to live your life in your way and let everyone else do the same.
Much Love
Christina xx