People–pleasers really, really struggle with putting themselves first. It’s so difficult, it’s virtually impossible for them. They completely disregard their needs and wishes for the needs and wishes of others.
Meet my client, let’s call her Caroline – she works full time in a very demanding job. She lives with her partner, they have no children, but they do have a dog.
Caroline works very long hours. Her boss knows that if something needs finishing he can always rely on Caroline. Her colleagues know the same thing, so they always leave at 5pm on the dot while Caroline often doesn’t get away until 6.30pm. She’s regularly the one desperately finishing off that urgent report that’s needed for tomorrows early morning meeting.
This evening is one of those evenings. She leaves work and picks up some shopping on her way home. She was going to ask her partner – he works near the shops and finishes much earlier than Caroline, but she doesn’t like to ask. He’s often tired after work and likes to come straight home to have a nap.
She gets home just as he’s waking up from his nap. His dirty breakfast dishes are left on the side in the kitchen. He leaves after Caroline in the morning but he gets up at the last minute and doesn’t have time to wash them up before he leaves.
The dinner hasn’t been started and the dog is sitting cross-legged in the corner because he hasn’t been walked. She makes a start on the dinner, puts some washing in (the wash basket’s overflowing) and takes the dog out while her partner watches TV. It’s just starting to rain.
Her neighbour sees her while she’s out and asks Caroline for a favour. She goes into her neighbour’s house and spends 30 minutes sorting something non-urgent out for her. She gets home and her partner has allowed the dinner to burn, it’s ruined. She feels put upon, peed off and taken for granted by everyone.
This is how most of her days are. She deeply resents her partner for leaving her to do everything, but she never speaks up. Or if she does, she does it so gently that he changes for a day or so and then goes back to his old ways because there are never any consequences.
Caroline is unhappy, unfulfilled and resentful BUT DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT!
Her partner wasn’t always this way. In the beginning he did a lot more around the house, but over time, he’s “let” Caroline do more and more. He says she never complains and seems to like to do things “her way”.
Caroline has cripplingly low self-esteem. She has a narcissistic father who criticised her constantly as a child. Nothing she did was ever good enough. If she ever stood up for herself he would mock her in a whiney voice and say “you, you, you, it’s all about you”.
The truth was, it was NEVER about Caroline and it still isn’t today – 30 years later. It’s as if she just doesn’t count in any way.
This has gone on for so long now, Caroline feels drained, exhausted and deeply unhappy. Her cup is empty, it’s completely drained. She knows that she has taught her partner to treat her this way. She knows she’s repeating the exact same pattern her mother did for her father.
Everyone comes before Caroline. Her boss, her colleagues, her neighbour, her partner. It’s as if she is completely invisible.
There must be more to life than this she thinks.
She pours herself a large glass of wine to numb the pain (she will finish the bottle before bed) and makes a start on the second dinner of the evening.
Caroline is the nicest, kindest person you could ever wish to meet. A true Lovely. But no-one is coming to rescue her.
She knows it has to come from her… but she doesn’t know where to start… so she just keeps going… getting unhappier and unhappier in the process.
Things continue this way, until one day something happens and she finally snaps…she’s had enough. She HAS to do something to change this.
This is when she comes to me for help with her depression, low self-esteem and excessive drinking.
I help her heal her childhood wounds once and for all and then we re-programme her mind one step at a time. We override the faulty programming that got her in this situation in the first place.
Change you and you change your ability to cope, deal, or change the things you don’t like.
This is NOT superficial. This is REAL change from the inside out.
It’s now time to put herself first and to fill up her own cup. Once her cup is full, her happiness levels increase massively. When her cup is overflowing she starts to give to others again, but only from her overflow. This is a much better proposition.
Putting yourself first a reasonable amount of the time does NOT make you selfish. Having regular self-care routines does NOT make you selfish. Selfish is when you only EVER put yourself and you totally disregard other’s feelings.
The vast majority of people when they are happy and topped up GIVE MORE, and what’s more, they give more without a drop of bitterness or resentment.
There’s a reason why all the good stuff starts with self.
Self-Love…Self-Esteem…Self-Acceptance…Self-Worth…Self-Confidence…Self-Reliance…Self-Awareness…Self-Care
You must give to yourself, before you give to anyone else.
The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one that you have with yourself and it’s the one you probably work on the least.
Invest in yourself and you invest in a life of increased happiness. The money you spend will come back to you exponentially, as acceptance, as Love, as greater confidence and as deep fulfilment.
Invest in you. You’re worth it.
Much Love
Christina xx
P.S After her coaching Caroline split from her loser partner (she got the dog) and is now happily married to a wonderful man who loves and respects her completely. She also got a new job with a much bigger salary where she now leaves on time every evening. She’s never been happier.