I’ve got my bossy head on this week.
I feel really strongly about something and I need to get it off my chest.
I need to dish out some tough love.
This tough love could apply to some women but it’s predominantly for you men out there.
First – the back story.
I’ve recently met with a client of mine – she’s one of my Lovelies, so a really caring person.
We’ve been working together for a while now; I’m so happy to see how much her self-esteem is flying. It’s impacting her life in the most positive ways and she’s absolutely thriving.
Because everything is going so well, I was surprised when we get on our call this week and she was deeply troubled and upset.
It turns out that her nephew had been sectioned over Christmas.
He was feeling suicidal and at his wits end, so, for his own safety, he’d been sectioned.
I’m happy to say with the right care, he is already feeling better, but he still has a long way to go.
One of the main things helping him is opening up and talking about/actually working through his issues.
He has NEVER shared with anyone what was troubling him or how he was feeling.
This is so, so, so common in men.
From the youngest age boys are taught to suck it up and deal with their feelings alone/like a man.
They’re ridiculed, shamed and in some cases, even abused for showing emotion or being vulnerable in any way.
This is masculinity at its worst; it’s toxic.
My heart breaks for all those boys who wanted to share their doubts, fears and worries but felt like they couldn’t.
They hid their sensitivities and true selves for fear that they’ll be vilified for them.
This will have a massive knock on effect.
Boys/men have just as many emotions as girls/women do, but for this reason, very rarely feel open enough to share them with anyone.
When you don’t share them, they build up and build up and build up, until either they explode out or you implode in.
Clearly, neither is good.
If those issues were worked through when they first began or whilst they were in their early stages then this would never happen.
Because of this childhood conditioning lots of men grow up to become brilliant carpet-sweepers.
They sweep uncomfortable doubts/thoughts/feelings under the carpet rather than facing them, and then distract themselves and just keep going.
When something else surfaces, they sweep that under the carpet too.
Before they know it, there’s so much stuff under the carpet they haven’t dealt with that they’re trapped by the mound.
They distract themselves with alcohol, drugs, porn or any number of other unhealthy things – but these only make their issues worse.
Things don’t go away when we ignore/bury them – they fester and get worse.
We can get over ANYTHING, absolutely ANYTHING if we work through it in the right way.
Vocalising and verbalising something – just saying it out loud to someone, can make a huge difference.
When it’s inside your head, it’s just bouncing around those inner walls non-stop. It can’t go anywhere.
It can make issues seem much worse than they actually are.
When you ruminate (think deeply about something) your mind can play tricks on you. It can convince you of things that simply aren’t true.
I’ve worked with many men who beat themselves up every day for something they did years ago (when they didn’t know any better) that was actually not that bad at all.
It just seemed really bad because they never got any perspective on it.
If it’s old and well past it’s sell by date, it needs to go.
When we know better, we do better.
Many male clients I meet have a lifetime of tears bottled up inside them.
So much sadness all locked up inside.
Crying was outlawed when they were very young, so they avoid it now at all costs.
Sometimes a good cry is just what we need.
We can do it privately if needs be, but we need to let it out.
Tears can be so healing.
The way to deal with anything is to unpack and unpick it and bring it out into the light. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems then.
And even if it is that bad, you can start to tackle it and put it right. Left festering, it can never heal.
It may be uncomfortable to begin with, because you’re not used to doing it, but the sense of relief once it’s out will be immense.
If you don’t get the poison out of the wound, the wound will never heal.
So many men tell nobody anything, take themselves off and take their own lives. It’s tragic.
And it really doesn’t need to be that way.
You can still be manly and strong and talk about your feelings and emotions.
I love it when a strong masculine guy opens up and talks about emotional stuff.
This is healthy masculinity at its best in my view.
So, I encourage you with everything I’ve got – please open up to someone.
You might find if you do, other men around you might feel able to do the same too.
Be the role model/emotional leader amongst your friends/group/team.
Be brave enough to lead the way.
This is so much healthier than bottling it all up.
I think it’s the main reason men struggle with depression so much.
Getting another person’s perspective can be huge.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
If you haven’t got a compassionate friend or family member you can talk to, find a therapist, counsellor or coach.
Someone you feel really comfortable with.
Get in touch with me if you prefer.
All those bottled up issues are stealing your joy.
They’re contributing to your depression or feeling of constant malaise.
They’re damaging your relationships.
They’re making life much harder than it needs to be.
Please, please, please do this.
If you’re a bottler, 2023 must be done differently.
You owe it to your mental health and happiness.
Make it the year you open up and start to talk…really talk.
It’s only when men learn to do this that the suicide rate will drop.
Death by drug or alcohol abuse will decline.
And the prisons will start to empty.
Allow this blog to touch you deeply.
Allow my words to sink in.
Vow to make a change.
Release all the tears and sadness inside you to someone who can support and help you.
Lighten that heavy load.
Do it now.
Read this and then do something about it.
Rant over.
I only wish the very best for you.
Much Love
Christina xx