I want to talk about people-pleasing in this blog.
That’s why most of you will be here.
That’s why I’m here too.
People-pleasing is a classic symptom of low self-esteem.
I’ve never met a people-pleaser that didn’t have some kind of low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem almost always begins in childhood.
More often than not it starts with the Big People.
The parents, teachers, supervisors, neighbours, religious leaders, other relatives and people in authority…
The Big People give us many rules to live by.
Many ways we must behave and not behave.
Big People can be very scary when we’re only little people.
They can intimidate us and have a huge impact on our lives.
Amongst all the good things that they teach us, they can also teach us things that harm, rather than help.
They can teach us that it’s NOT ok to say what we feel when we feel it – so we can learn to doubt or question our feelings.
They can teach us that we mustn’t be too loud or rambunctious – so we can learn we shouldn’t be our true outgoing selves – (they can teach us this with one look).
They can teach us what NOT to say and what NOT to do, if it might make others feel uncomfortable, even though that might make US feel uncomfortable.
They can teach us that we mustn’t express our ideas if our ideas are different to the Big People’s ideas – that way our fledgling ideas get quashed.
They teach us that we mustn’t speak when the Big People are speaking.
They teach us that we must always gratefully accept what the Big People give us, even if we don’t like it.
They teach us that we must always respect what the Big People say, even when it invalidates our feelings or our truth.
And even when we’ve witnessed wrongdoings or some act of hypocrisy.
They teach us to keep our mouths shut and our feelings stuffed down.
They teach us that we must NEVER challenge or contradict the Big People.
We must keep the peace, accept any explanation given and not rock the boat.
Even when our instincts, intuition and feelings tell us that what’s happening isn’t right.
If we don’t do this, they teach us we will be shouted at, slapped or punished in some way.
They teach us this message day in, day out for the whole of our young lives, until it’s very ingrained in us.
Little people do need discipline, so some of what they teach us is good, but some of it is very bad.
Some of it programmes our young minds in very unhealthy ways.
It never occurs to us that the Big People might be wrong.
If something feels “off”, we think that it’s us little people that must be wrong.
They teach us, not always in a malicious way, that Big People matter and little people don’t.
We want to be loved and cared for, so we know better than to offend, upset or go against them.
So we just stay quiet.
They are the Big People after all, what do we know?
This message cuts very deep.
Especially to a sensitive, well-behaved, pleasant child.
Even when we eventually become the Big People ourselves, there are those, who some of us still consider bigger, older or more important than ourselves.
For people-pleasers this is everyone…
These are the people we feel we must still honour.
In honouring the Big People we often learn to dishonour ourselves.
And we do everything in our power to honour their desires and feelings, even when it means dishonouring ourselves.
When we lie to ourselves about what we need, it becomes our way of life.
So we eventually lie to others too.
We’ve been hiding our truth for so long; we don’t know what our truth is anymore.
So we only consider the other person’s truth.
We start dating and we’re more concerned with not upsetting our date than honouring ourselves.
We spend time with friends and make it all about their wants and needs, never our own.
When others show up late, we say, “its fine”.
When they don’t call as promised, we brush it aside and say nothing.
When we lend money or belongings and they’re never returned, we take no (or very little) action.
We have very few opinions about anything – “I’m happy to do whatever you want.”
“What would you like to eat?” “Oh I’ll just have whatever you’re having etc etc…”
We worry about being a nuisance and asking for too much, or not saying the right thing when asked our opinion.
We don’t like to make decisions, because we’ve never been allowed to make any.
Our decision-making muscle is too weak.
So we don’t trust it.
This is NOT the way to honour ourselves.
We teach people how to treat us and we’re teaching them that we don’t count at all.
Lying to ourselves and others about what we want, need, like or don’t like is just like having an infection growing inside us.
It spreads quickly into all areas of our life and pollutes our very being.
When we’re polluted by this infection, it’s difficult (if not nigh on impossible) to speak up for ourselves.
The infection glues our lips together when someone speaks to us in an inappropriate way.
It clogs our brain when people behave towards us unkindly or thoughtlessly.
It makes us constantly doubt ourselves.
It clouds our judgement.
It prevents us from finding the most appropriate way to respond when we’re hurt or offended.
It stops us from assertively defending or sticking up for ourselves.
If this infection is not treated, it only gets worse, like all infections.
It becomes deep unhappiness, resentment…even bitterness.
We are riddled with it.
And it poisons our life.
The way to treat the infection is by finally starting to honour ourselves.
Honouring the way we feel.
Saying what we are thinking…out loud.
Asking for what we want.
Saying no to the things we don’t want.
Honouring our truth.
The right way to do this is by honouring the way we feel and saying it the way we would want/hope others would say it to us.
Saying it honestly and with love, but saying it.
We’re not that little girl or boy anymore.
The Big People no longer have any power over us.
So it’s time to break free.
It’s time we self-honour, so we can grow.
The perfect prescription for people-pleasing is boosting your self-esteem.
That’s why I created Dream Self Esteem.
I’ve walked this same path.
It only took me 45 years to learn this 🙁
I’d love your path to be a shorter than mine.
With a healthy, high self-esteem, honouring ourselves is easy.
It’s natural.
We are the equal of anyone.
We feel this in every part of us and then act accordingly.
We realise we’ve graduated.
We know we now deserve the same treatment as everyone else.
If you’d like my help to boost your self-esteem and put an end to your people-pleasing ways then get in touch.
I’d love to help you be your own Big Person.
It’s time to fall in Love with you!
Much Love
Christina xx
P.S. If you’d like to know more about how your low self-esteem developed then check out my short E-book here.