Many of the clients I work with have grown up knowing that they are different to the rest of their family.
Meet Caitlyn – As I’m going through her childhood and family history in our session she sighs as she says to me. “I’ve always been the odd one out in my family. I’m the black sheep.”
When I dig a little deeper it does seem obvious that she is very different to the rest of her family….but not necessarily in a bad way.
As children we don’t want to be different. We want to fit in. We want to feel as if we are an integral part of our family tribe. We want to feel that we have our place, we belong. It makes us feel comfortable, safe and loved.
Millions of years ago if we were cast out or come adrift from our tribe it would mean certain death. Either we would starve to death or we would be eaten by a wild animal. This is why rejection still feels so painful. It’s a throwback to those days. It might be millions of years ago but our prehistoric brains haven’t forgotten.
When you’re different to your tribe, it can make you feel that you’re not quite “right” somehow. Like an ugly duckling. “Why are they all sporty or confident or outgoing and I’m not?” Your differences make you feel uncomfortable, unworthy or not good enough.
This can result in you developing low self-esteem.
Living with the feeling that you just don’t quite measure up, you don’t really belong. You’re a cuckoo in the nest.
Maybe you’re highly sensitive or musical or bookish and no-one else in the family is, or conversely you’re more maverick and adventurous but you come from a very safe, conservative family.
In order to fit in we often try to adapt ourselves, we pretend we are more outgoing or more sporty or more calm or whatever.
I call it bending yourself into a pretzel.
In order to fit into your family unit you become a square peg in a round hole. This is never going to feel easy or comfortable because you’re not living as your authentic self. It’s hard work.
Some particularly sensitive people will continue to do this for the rest of their lives. Adapting themselves to their surroundings so they NEVER live as their true, authentic selves. Many LOVELIES do this.
Other people break away and live their own life in their own way, but often there’s a sadness that stays with them, that they’re different from the rest of their tribe. They feel like an outsider. They feel that their siblings are more included or loved than they are. This is LONELY territory.
Now I’m very lucky in that the vast majority of clients I attract are exceptionally nice people. We often form a very strong rapport straight away. I find them to be good, kind, people. Caitlyn is one of these people.
She describes her differences to me, her family dynamic and it’s very obvious to me that she is actually “wrong” in the right way.
In her case and in many other cases the parents/other siblings are very negative or narcissistic or depressive or overly cautious, or a number of unhealthy things.
When this is the case, it’s very obvious to me that my client IS the odd one out, but in the RIGHT way. Apart from their low self-esteem they’re the only mentally healthy one in the family!
They’re actually not a black sheep at all but a GOLDEN SHEEP!
I’d just like to say at this point, I have nothing against black sheep, they are actually very cute, but the name just has bad connotations. Collins dictionary defines black sheep as being people who are considered bad or worthless by other people in the family. Poor black sheep!
Now I’m not here to bash anyone’s parents. (I say this ALL the time) Most of us love our parents to bits. BUT so often it’s them that mess us up.
They don’t mean to, they really love you (in the vast majority of cases) but they just don’t know how to do a better job. They probably didn’t have ideal parenting either.
And all children are different. Just when you think you’ve cracked this parenting lark out comes one that is totally different to the others.
Probably 90% of my clients have had parenting that didn’t suit them. It’s far from an ideal start in life.
One of the things I bang on about to everyone I work with is that we have to live as our true, genuine, authentic selves if we want to be happy and fulfilled. We shouldn’t ever be bending ourselves into a pretzel. EVER!
As you know, bend a pretzel too far and it snaps!
The world needs YOU in your fullest essence, not a dodgy copy of someone else.
In the Art or Antique world an original is always worth far more than a copy.
So the message I want to convey in this blog is – if, like Caitlyn, you’ve always thought of yourself (or even been called) the black sheep of the family, ask yourself – are you actually the GOLDEN SHEEP?
It’s time to embrace your golden goodness, your unique differences, and fall in Love with you!
Much Love
Christina xx