I was having coffee recently with a long-time, happily-married friend of mine.
We were chatting about her Lovely daughter, who was in a new relationship.
My friend told me that things were going well, really well.
In fact, so well, they almost seemed too good to be true.
I mentioned something about Love-bombing.
She raised an eyebrow.
“Love-bombing? – I’ve heard of it,” she said, “but I’m not exactly sure what it is. Explain.”
When I explained, she looked shocked.
“You only know all this stuff because you’re a coach. I think everyone should know this, so that they can protect themselves.”
So that conversation has brought us to this week’s topic.
Love-bombing sounds like a really wonderful thing, don’t you think?
The idea that you love someone so much, that you absolutely shower them with all your love and whole-hearted affection…sounds like bliss to me.
And if this is done in a positive, healthy way to a positive, healthy, fully-healed person, then it really can be a wonderful thing, and very effective in sealing and securing a strong connection.
BUT!
That’s not the kind of love-bombing I want to talk about.
The kind I want to talk about is the toxic kind.
The kind that could be the beginning of a cycle of abuse – an attempt to influence someone by demonstrating excessive attention and affection (often fake).
It’s a form of psychological manipulation used to create a feeling of unity for some ulterior motive.
When you’re being love-bombed in this way, you are flooded with flattery, compliments, verbal seduction and lots and lots of attention.
You may be told this is love-at-first-sight, you’re my dream person, I’ve never met anyone like you before etc, etc.
You may be showered with gifts and promises for the future.
You may be literally swept off your feet.
Now most Lovelies I come across are incredibly loving people.
They literally live to Love.
It’s their greatest desire in life.
They are highly sensitive, feel their feelings deeply and want love more than anything else on earth.
So being Love-bombed can feel like nectar to a bee for them.
It can feel intoxicating, exhilarating and downright heavenly.
It can feel like all your Christmas’s have come at once.
It can give you that floating on a cloud feeling, because you believe that you’ve FINALLY found your person and things couldn’t be better.
Whoaaa!!
Let’s put the brakes on and slow things down a minute.
It is possible that you have found the love of your life – your new person is genuine and you’re going to have the connection of the century.
Wonderful 🙂
BUT it’s also possible that you’re being Love-bombed by a Narcissist or Avoidant.
Narcissists
If the person is a toxic Narcissist they will usually bombard you with intense attention, compliments and romantic gestures.
They will often pressure you for very rapid commitment.
As wonderful as this might seem, you need to slow things down and ask yourself the following questions:–
- Does this all feel sincere?
- Am I ignoring any obvious red flags?
- Does it all seem too good to be true?
- Are all this person’s ex’s psycho bitches/bastards from hell according to them?
- Does their back-story all add up?
- Do their actions match their words?
- Do they tell me nobody else understands them but me?
- What’s my intuition telling me about this person?
- Do I have any uncomfortable feelings in my body that I’m overriding or overlooking?
As I said earlier most Lovelies are highly sensitive creatures.
They are very empathic people.
They are incredibly kind and loving.
They love to help and look after people.
They see the good in everyone, which CAN be a wonderful thing, but it can also make them incredibly susceptible to narcissistic predators.
Toxic narcissists will literally be on the lookout for these kinds of gentle partners, because they tend to tolerate their toxic treatment and stand by them.
The narcissist will seem as if they really “get” you, but only until they feel secure in the relationship, then they’ll typically switch and become very difficult, abusive and manipulative, but by that stage you often feel trapped and unable to leave.
For Narcissists it’s all about the control. They have to have it at all costs.
Avoid, avoid, avoid!
Avoidants
If the above questions do not point to a narcissistic partner and all seems sincere, then it may be that the love is actually real.
You may have found yourself what appears to be a genuine person.
BUT!
Intense feelings of Love and attraction can sometimes lead to overwhelm and fear in unhealed individuals and this can trigger avoidance in them.
Their feelings are real, but because of a difficult childhood or past heartbreak (or both) they have become TERRIFIED of love and/or commitment.
Because of this immense fear, they start to pull back; they may even ghost you.
This is often bewildering, because things seemed to be going so well and it all FELT so genuine.
There were no major red flags.
Everything appeared to be wonderful and it was!
But that is what caused the trigger.
Early emotional experiences shape children’s beliefs about trustworthiness and responsiveness.
If your person has not had secure parenting or earlier relationships, they may become more concerned with rejection and abandonment than with secure, committed love.
Although initially very happy and appearing to be fully engaged in the relationship, they can become uncomfortable with further intimacy and emotionally distant.
If these issues remain unhealed in your partner, they may end the relationship suddenly and with no warning.
This can cause major confusion and pain on your part, as things seemed to be going so beautifully.
Often it can be really difficult to get your head around, especially when it was so good at the outset.
They may go and then come back, go and then come back, go and then come back.
They do want Love, they’re just terrified of being hurt again.
You have to ask yourself, is this what you really want to settle for.
If they run, please don’t be tempted to chase them, this will only cause them to run even further.
I saw a quote the other day which said:- The only man you should ever chase after is the ice cream man 🙂
I agree. Chasing never works.
Sadly, many of my Lonelies fall into this Avoidant category.
They are genuinely lonely because they really do want Love.
They are NOT bad people.
But they do need to heal their past wounds, if they’re to have successful committed relationships.
If you’re a Lovely, please don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your Love can heal an Avoidant.
They have to do their own healing.
You’re not a rehabilitation centre for badly raised people.
It’s not your job to fix, change, parent or raise them.
You want a partner not a project.
Just be careful when meeting new people.
Slow things right down and discern, discern, discern.
I can spot a Narcissist at 100 paces now and you can learn to do this too, if you just watch out for the signs.
Avoidants are a little bit harder to spot, as they are genuine people, they’re just not ideal if you want any kind of long-term commitment.
Moving forward, don’t get swept away on cloud 9 too soon.
Stay positive, but keep your feet on the ground and your wits about you.
Always be looking out for the more secure attachment types.
They are much more likely to be steady away and won’t love-bomb you.
The early stages of the relationship will be nice, rather than unbelievably, outstandingly amazingly nice, but that’s ok.
If it seems too good to be true, it often is – so beware!
If you’re a Lovely (man or woman) whose about to start dating and would like my help in discerning your prospective partners, or you’re in a relationship with a Narcissist or Avoidant and struggling, then get in touch today.
Let me help you navigate what’s become a bit of a minefield.
Much Love
Christina xx