“Mmm Christina, that’s not a very cheery blog title…”
No, but it’s a very important one.
I’ve had a conversation with a client this week about this topic.
We talked about whether he would have any regrets on the death of his alcoholic father, if he didn’t change the status quo.
My client, let’s call him John, has been estranged from his very abusive father for many years.
He’d heard through the family grapevine, that his father was very ill and didn’t have long left.
I asked him if there was anything he wished he’d said or done with his Dad that he hasn’t yet.
I always ask my clients this very important question when they are about to lose an abusive or toxic parent (or in fact, any parent or family member).
Once they’ve gone, they’ve gone, so it’s vital not to lose this final opportunity and have any regrets.
Some clients want to make a final contact, some don’t.
John was adamant there was nothing he had to say – that book was well and truly closed.
He was firm, resolute and at peace with his decision.
So we left it there.
Next, I asked him would he have any regrets on his OWN deathbed if he didn’t change his status quo.
This time, he had many.
We’ve started to tackle them one by one…
These are such important questions to ask yourself:-
If nothing major changes in my life, will I have any regrets on my deathbed?
Will I die with a smile from a life well-lived or a frown and many regrets?
What do I want my epitaph to say about me, and is that what I’ll actually deserve?
Who would I like to have around my bedside – and will they actually want to be there?
I know some of you will consider this to be a morbid topic, but if your life is not going the way you want it to; if you’ll have regrets (a frown) on your deathbed if you don’t make a change, then now is the time to do something about it.
I read a wonderful book a few years ago by a lady called Bronnie Ware…
It was called the Top 5 regrets of the Dying.
Bronnie was a palliative care nurse and the book was all about her experience of caring for people in their final weeks and days and the most common regrets that they shared with her.
Their top 5 regrets were:-
- I wish I had lived a life true to myself, not the life other people expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish I’d allowed myself to be happier
Would you have any of these regrets on your deathbed if nothing changed?
Then is it time to take some action?
Sadly I’ve lost both of my parents.
Although an Englishman, my Dad had retired to Ireland and lived out his last chapter there.
At his Irish funeral, literally hundreds of people shook my hand and shared with me what a wonderful man my Dad had been, and what he meant to them.
I was deeply humbled.
I knew my Dad was wonderful; he was my Dad, but to hear that he meant so much to so many people was so unbelievably moving to me.
That’s how I would like to remembered too.
So I’m currently working on it 🙂
People don’t usually talk about your brilliant career or how much money you made at your funeral, they talk about what kind of person you were.
I attended a talk recently.
The lady delivering the talk had been struck down by a very rare cancer.
By the time the cancer was properly diagnosed she only had 3 weeks left to live.
3 weeks…
The lady was married with 3 young children.
She was 42.
She described the way her life flashed before her eyes when given her prognosis.
Regrets about things she’d done and more importantly, things she hadn’t done flooded her whole system.
She was staring death in the face and all she could think about was how she was going to fit everything in before her time ran out.
She talked very emotively, about only having had 41 summers – such a small number.
Not seeing her children grow up.
Not achieving the future her and her husband had always planned.
And other deeply heart-wrenching things… (there wasn’t a dry eye in the house).
At the final hour, she was offered pioneering treatment in America.
Her family and friends all pooled their resources in order to fund this last ditch treatment – and it worked.
She has now made a full recovery.
This wonderful lady had such a powerful message to share.
Don’t have any deathbed regrets.
If you’re lucky enough to be healthy and well with a long future in front of you, make the absolute most of it.
Don’t sweat the small stuff that really doesn’t matter.
Make the changes you need to make.
Speak with the people you need to speak with.
None of us know when our time is going to run out.
Or when we might be struck down by a life-threatening illness – or even a bus!
What would you do differently if you only had 3 weeks left to live?
What could turn your frown the right way up? 🙂
I’d just like to mention something about grudges and grievances here.
Lovelies, and other sensitive people can sometimes be a bit huffy (I’m sorry, but we can).
Because we feel things so deeply, we can sometimes bear a grudge.
Usually we only bear that grudge because someone has really hurt us.
And it really hurt us because we really care.
But if we really care about that person, isn’t it worth making peace with them?
That way we can either release all that bad feeling or (if we decide it’s appropriate) have that person back in our life again.
Grudges are seriously corrosive.
They rot our insides.
They’re often far more damaging to us than the other party.
Studies have shown that more than 60% of people in cancer wards have grudges against someone in their life.
Have you got this kind of situation in your life?
Are you estranged from someone you really care about?
Someone who deeply hurt you?
We all make mistakes.
All of us.
We all do or say things we wish we hadn’t.
Sometimes we have to make the mistake to learn the lesson.
Why not allow that person (or you) to put things right?
Take that first step.
Your heart (and all your other organs) might thank you for it.
4000 weeks.
That’s an average life-span.
It sounds like such a short time when expressed that way, don’t you think?
What changes can you make to improve your 4,000 weeks?
It’s never too late and you’re never too old to turn your frown around – as long as you’re still breathing!
Really spend some time pondering this topic.
If you’re bearing a grudge and you’d like my help to get over it, just reach out.
I’m here if you need me.
Have a great non-morbid week 🙂
Much Love
Christina xx