I was in a restaurant recently, having dinner.
It was busy and every table was occupied.
The place was small and intimate, so all the tables were very close together.
This made it almost impossible not to overhear the conversation of the couple sat at the next table.
“Are you ok?” said the man.
“I’m fine” said the woman, stiff-backed and with no eye-contact whatsoever.
“Are you sure you’re ok?” repeated the man.
“I’m absolutely fine” said the woman, as cold as ice.
She clearly was anything but fine.
“What have I done now?” asked the man.
“If I’ve upset you, I’m sorry”.
“I’m fine” repeated the woman, still in as un-fine a way as possible.
The man looked over and caught my eye and did a little shrug.
He genuinely seemed to have no idea what was going on.
I felt sorry for him.
I felt sorry for her too.
Clearly something had upset her, but she didn’t want to discuss it in the restaurant, which I could understand.
I pondered the couple on my way home.
Was it him that had upset her?
Probably.
Did he have any clue why?
Nope.
I wondered if later on she’d told him what the matter was, or whether it all just got swept under the carpet…until the next time.
This is classic passive-aggressive behaviour.
There are four main communication styles.
Passive, Assertive, Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive.
So many Lovelies and sensitive types have a very passive communication style.
Even when they’re really upset about something they don’t speak up.
They just suck it up.
Somebody could be completely mistreating them in every way, but they still wouldn’t speak up about it.
For years, this was me.
I felt for some reason that I didn’t have the right to make a scene/fuss so just I stayed quiet.
I really didn’t want the conflict or confrontation.
The problem with being this way is that nothing ever gets resolved and that can build resentment.
When you’re too passive and you don’t speak up for yourself, it can lead to a lot of unhappiness with no real change in sight.
In some cases, this unhappiness/resentment can “leak” out and lead to us becoming passive-aggressive.
Passive-aggressiveness is when you express your negative feelings but in an indirect way.
Examples of this are:-
- Appearing upset but refusing to admit it. (Like our woman in the restaurant).
- Giving the silent treatment.
- Being sulky, pouty or sighing loudly for no obvious reason.
- Criticising situations with other people as a means of indirectly saying that your partner or friend does the same.
- Bringing up unresolved issues from the past in an unrelated argument.
- Overplaying the victim.
- Giving a backhanded compliment. “Thank you for finally doing the dishes!”
- Using sarcasm or sly digs.
- Keeping score about how much you do for other people and how little they do in return.
- Complaining about things, but never taking action to change them.
It’s basically any negative expression that’s done sneakily.
I’m afraid I have to hold my hand up and own up to doing some of these things in the past 🙁
These traits often develop because of childhood conditioning.
Many people were raised in environments where the direct expression of emotions was actively discouraged, or even, not allowed at all.
As a result, many people feel that they simply can’t express their real feelings more openly.
They find it easier to passively channel their anger or frustration instead.
This was me.
Much as I adored my very loving Mother, she had a ferocious temper that prevented me from ever expressing any kind of anger or major dissatisfaction in my childhood.
I still don’t enjoy the feeling of anger in my body now, if I’m honest; it feels quite alien to me…but I know that justified anger is a very healthy emotion, in the right circumstances.
Many sensitive people have discomfort with confrontation.
They’ll walk a mile to avoid a conflict.
Being assertive and emotionally open and forthright is very hard for them.
For some, it can be downright scary.
Which is why passive-aggression might seem like an easier option.
It’s a way to deal with your emotions without having to confront the source of them.
But it’s not an effective way, not long term anyway, because the source of the problem never goes away.
You never get to the bottom of your issues.
They fester, as opposed to getting resolved and then being moved on from.
This will eventually damage your relationships and lead to a whole lot more unhappiness.
The way to avoid passive and passive-aggressive behaviour is by becoming more assertive.
Lovelies as much as anyone, deserve to speak their mind, have their voice heard and get their point across.
Assertive communication involves expressing your feelings calmly, clearly and confidently without disrespecting, undermining or trying to offend the other person.
Assertiveness is the healthiest way possible to communicate.
It’s expressing yourself in a firm, direct, positive manner.
Assertive people always want to promote equality in their personal relationships.
They don’t demand undue attention or say, but they also don’t accommodate it from others either.
It’s all about balance, give and take and the win-win.
They want what’s fair.
That usually makes them great listeners and great communicators.
Assertive people can say no without feeling guilty.
They can disagree with people…but they do it respectfully.
They can confidently share their opinions, because they know their opinions count.
They exude calm self-confidence without any unnecessary pride or anger.
They do well in life because they’ve established their needs and priorities and they’re able to respectfully articulate them.
So they don’t explode, blow up or lose it, because things never get to that stage.
But they don’t passively go with the flow either, just to always keep the peace, as they know this ultimately leads to a life of unfulfillment.
A person who is truly assertive is usually a really great person.
Sounds wonderful doesn’t it?
I know this can seem extremely difficult when you’ve had a lifetime of being passive/passive-aggressive.
But we’re all capable of it.
We just might need some help to get there and lots of practice.
That’s how I did it.
And that’s how you can do it too.
Say goodbye to sneaky or indirect expression for good and watch your life and happiness skyrocket.
It’s assertiveness all the way from now on 🙂
Have a fabulous week.
Much Love
Christina xx