Blood makes you related, but its loyalty that makes you family. (Anon)
I’ve had family staying with me this weekend.
By family, I mean my step-Mum and her partner.
My step-Mum is now 82; she was married to my Dad for 15 years.
My Dad sadly passed away 18 years ago, so he’s been gone now longer than they were together.
But my step-Mum is very much, still a part of the “family”.
She’s my children’s Granny, even though she shares no blood with them.
She travels over from Ireland a couple of times a year to stay with us for a few days.
She now brings her partner.
He’s soon to be 80 (her toy boy) 🙂
He’s also become part of the “family”.
My definition of family is anyone who loves me unconditionally, and whom I love without reservation too.
It’s not about whether we share the same name or DNA.
It’s about our love and commitment to each other.
To me, family is the person who has your back in a crisis.
The person who would drop everything to help to when you really need it.
The one who basks in your glory and genuinely cheers for you when you’re winning.
It’s the one who really cares.
In many cases, that isn’t always your “real” family.
We don’t get to pick our blood family.
But we do get to pick the people who we consider as family.
Over the years I’ve worked with so many clients who’ve been emotionally damaged by their blood relatives.
I’d even go as far as to say in the MAJORITY of cases, it’s a relative who’s caused most of the damage.
I’ve seen bullying, jealousy, abuse, rivalry, toxicity, bitterness and a whole lot of pain and unhappiness.
Just because people are born into the same family does NOT mean that they have to get along or be close.
Sometimes blood is NOT thicker than water.
Many of my clients love their families, but would never have chosen them.
Narcissistic parents are particularly difficult, as often, they pit their children against each other.
They’ll have a golden child and a scapegoat child – this can cause immeasurable damage (to both).
In my experience, when the family is toxic, the scapegoat often turns out to be the most mentally healthy person in the family.
My earlier blog refers to this – Are you a golden sheep?
People with low self-esteem often grow up that way because their family made them believe they were bad, wrong in some way or hard to love.
Being judged badly by your parents can mess you up for your whole life.
Often they don’t know any better, they’re just passing the dysfunctions and issues given to them onto you.
Children that are abused by a parent don’t stop loving the parent, they stop loving themselves.
I’m not a believer in staying in a family that’s toxic, just because they’re blood.
By all means, do all that you can to sort out any disagreements or fallouts, but don’t stay anywhere long term, that is damaging your mental health and/or emotional well-being.
The phrase “but they’re family” works both ways.
I’ve said many times in my blogs; we are all hard-wired for connection.
It’s 100% true.
I’ve never met anyone who didn’t want to be loved.
We’re deeply programmed to enjoy living in tribes or communities.
This is what kept us safe centuries ago.
We all need to have a feeling of safety and belonging.
That’s when we can be at our best and thrive.
Many people are lucky to be blessed with a wonderful family of origin, but equally, many people are not.
So it’s more important than ever to “create” a family, if we don’t have a positive blood one.
I really believe it’s not what we have in life; it’s who we have that matters.
The meaning of success is changing.
It’s not necessarily about how much money or “stuff” we have.
It’s about how many people we have in our lives that genuinely love and care about us.
If your house burned down tomorrow and you lost everything (God forbid), how many people in your life would happily take you in for 2 weeks and look after you?
I believe this number is the true mark of success in life.
The more people you have, who would happily look after you for a short period shows how “rich” you really are.
What’s your number?
5, 10, 20??
Or is it a lot smaller than that?
If this number is small for you (this will be the case for so many of my Lonelies) then ask yourself what you could do to change it.
This is not sentimental nonsense.
Studies prove time and time again, the key to happiness and fulfilment lies in our strong connections and not in our possessions or bank account.
Men who are happily married, or in a steady long term partnership live much longer (on average) than their uncoupled friends. (This number varies greatly, so I won’t quote one).
The loneliness epidemic is real.
And if you’re lonely, it’s damaging your health.
Your mental, emotional and ultimately your physical health too.
So what does family mean to you?
Who are your people?
Having lost both of my parents and many wonderful aunts and uncles my friends have become my family?
Is that the same for you?
Maybe your family are your neighbours?
Or your pets?
(Yes sometimes your family can be furry) 🙂
Or the people at your church…or the gym…
Do you have wonderful in-laws?
Work colleagues?
Running buddies?
Family is absolutely anyone you really enjoy being around.
It’s whoever you decide it to be.
I have a very tight inner circle around me; everyone in it means the absolute world to me.
There’s no pressure, no stress, no demands.
We just champion, support and love each other.
My circle is my life-support machine.
Time spent with them is my therapy 🙂
As traditional communities have collapsed more and more, our “home-made” families are more important than ever.
Life is short, I believe you should spend it with people who love you and make you feel safe and happy.
If your family of origin have died, live away, or just don’t fit your ideal, then find people and situations that provide that feeling of family.
Time spent doing this will be richly rewarded.
One of the most important things I do with clients (especially my Lonelies) is to encourage them to build up their circle – their 2023 and beyond family.
It doesn’t matter who you are, or what you’re into, you can find your tribe.
Your tribe dictates your vibe.
Time with your tribe feels like home.
Let me help you increase your number.
Let me guide you to find your circle…your people…your tribe.
You’ll be so glad you did 🙂
Now…back to my “family”
Much Love
Christina xx