Following on from last week’s blog about attachment styles, I’ve decided to continue this very important theme of love and connection until Valentines week.
If you haven’t read that blog already, please go back and read that first, so that this one makes more sense.
Many low self-esteem Lovelies grow up assuming everyone is nice and fair and just like them, and has their best interests at heart.
Sadly, this is just not the case.
Many damaged individuals will be drawn to your kind, sweet, forgiving ways, so it’s very, very common for you to get into relationships that are toxic and unbalanced.
A toxic relationship can be defined as any relationship between two people:-
- Who don’t mutually support each other,
- Where there’s regular conflict and/or one seeks to undermine or control the other, or
- Where there’s unhealthy competition, disrespect or any kind of abuse.
Toxic relationships are unpleasant and draining.
They can be mentally, emotionally and possibly even physically damaging.
If the bad points in your relationship outweigh the good, then, it’s more than likely toxic.
There are 3 particularly difficult combinations I regularly come across:-
- Empaths with Narcissists.
- Anxious attachment types with Avoidant attachment types.
- Enablers with Losers.
If you’re someone who regularly finds themselves in toxic relationships (always the giver, who ends up getting hurt) then please take notice.
My aim is to open your eyes to the kind of partner who is really not good for you, so you can avoid them like the plague next time!
Forewarned is forearmed my Lovelies.
Here are 10 signs to look out for:-
- You’re being love-bombed – This is a favourite of the Narcissist, but could also apply to the Avoidant. The love-bomber will use over-the-top attention and affection to sweep you of your feet. They can be charm personified in the beginning of the relationship and shower you with love, affection and compliments beyond your wildest dreams. If they tell you you’re the most beautiful creature they’ve ever seen in their entire life, they want to wine, dine and spend every last waking minute with you, just be careful. If it feels too good to be true, it very often is. Once you’re hooked in, the bad treatment will begin. Slow things down a bit and be very, very discerning. A nice guy will be ok with this. A narcissist won’t.
- You’re being gaslighted – Very much the domain of the Narcissist. Gaslighting is where a partner treats you in a way that makes you question your own reality. The gaslighter has to feel important and in control and will use ANY means of mental manipulation to do this. If you suspect your partner is gaslighting, you need to get out as soon as you can.
- You’re being controlled and/or dominated – If your partner wants to control where you go, who you see, what you spend, or how you are, or if they try to make your decisions for you, then you are not in a healthy relationship. No-one has the right to do this. This is not always evident at the beginning of the relationship, but can develop gradually over time. Please beware, this is emotional abuse.
- Your passionate connection is actually a trauma bond – A trauma bond activates the release of stress chemicals in the body that can FEEL like a passionate connection. A chaotic or neglectful childhood can lead us to look at relationships as places to re-enact our original trauma wounds. This is called repetition compulsion or the subconscious desire to re-enact in order to heal. If you engage in intense dramatic cycles of conflict that often end in physical intimacy or physical intimacy becomes the substitute for emotional intimacy, then be careful. Emotional reactivity is NOT love or healthy passion. You may find these traits attractive because they are familiar (comfortable) to experiences from childhood. If you find relationships with emotionally healthy people boring, then know that you may have some childhood healing to do. It might be different face, different place, but the same type of person. Don’t keep repeating this cycle.
- You have an anxious attachment style and are always in defence mode or a constant state of flux over your partner – Ask yourself are you in a relationship with an Avoidant person. Although Avoidants are not necessarily bad people, they can be particularly difficult for Anxious people to cope with. Their in and out behaviour will only make your anxiety worse. Think long and hard about whether you can tolerate this.
- You’re Anxious about your relationship with a secure person – Think about getting some help with your Anxiety/Low Self-Esteem. It may be that it’s you that’s causing the problem in the relationship, not them. Keep jealousy in check. A little jealousy in a relationship is not unhealthy, but the full blown green-eyed monster, really is a monster.
- You’re Co-dependent – Co-dependency creates an imbalanced relationship where one person enables another person’s self-destructive behaviour – such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility or under–achievement/laziness. It’s a relationship of high self-sacrifice on the co-dependent’s part and an excessive focus on the other persons needs. You suppress your needs and emotions in an attempt to control or fix other the other person’s problems.
- You’re settling – You’re in a situation where you know in your heart of hearts that your partner is not enough for you. You want to avoid conflict or confrontation and/or not be on your own, so you settle. Settling is not good for anyone’s soul. It will eat away at you over time.
- You feel like you’re punching – You’re in a situation where you believe your partner is too good for you. This may or may not be true. If you (or they) are constantly thinking your partner deserves better then this is only going to add to your feeling of not being good enough and always fearing you’re going to be dumped/abandoned. Long term this will likely trigger anxiety and possibly lead you to self-sabotage the relationship.
- There’s a lot of jealousy in your relationship – A healthy partner should never do anything to make you feel jealous. If they are, then there’s toxicity in your relationship. Your partner is playing games. If your partner is jealous of you, then see numbers 3 and/or 4 above.
Self-love and self respect in relationships is essential. If you don’t believe you’re worth it or good enough then your partner won’t either.
I say it all the time in my social media posts – we teach people how to treat us. Teach them the right things!
Try as much as possible to date partners who are around the same ‘score’ as you. If you’re an 8/10 you will get on best with a 7/10, 8/10 or 9/10. Try, where possible to date the same ‘score’, plus or minus one. Any bigger gap than this and the wheels tend to fall off.
Be realistic in your scoring.
Some general relationship DON’Ts for people-pleasers…
DON’T take the blame for more than you should and make excuses for your partner.
DON’T start believing that everything is your fault. Toxic partners will play on this.
DON’T have those unrealistic fairy-tale blinkers on. Stay in reality at all times.
DON’T bend yourself into a pretzel to keep your partner happy. Compromise is healthy and normal in a relationship, but if you regularly have to do this, then you’re just not compatible – time to find someone else who you can be more yourself with. We are all unique and made for a purpose. Be your beautiful self through and through!
DON’T give too much in your relationships – it should be roughly 50/50 give and take– not 90/10 or even 100/0!
DON’T stay in a relationship that’s past it’s sell by date. I see so many cases where the relationship has long since gone downhill, the partner is badly mistreating you, your life is chaotic, you are losing yourself and yet you still refuse to leave.
YOU ARE ENABLING THAT PERSONS TOXIC BEHAVIOUR BY STAYING WITH THEM!
You deserve so much better my Lovely.
Staying together in this kind of relationship is not love or romance, its toxic co-dependency at its worst.
Nobody enjoys a break up, but if you have more than a few of these signs, your relationship is toxic and you need to make changes or move on. Otherwise it will kill your soul and only make your low self-esteem far worse.
If you’re reading this and thinking “Oh no, that’s me”, don’t worry, just accept that you didn’t know what you didn’t know and at least you’re learning it now.
Etch the information in this blog (and the last one) on your brain.
Read them regularly to remind yourself.
Our inherent nature as Lovelies is to be kind, giving, nurturing and forgiving.
This is wonderful if we are with someone who is the same, but it can be disastrous, if we are with someone toxic, narcissistic or avoidant.
Please don’t have what I call saviour syndrome and think that your love can save them, cure them or convert them. It can’t.
They have to do that for themselves.
This is possible, but highly unlikely.
They’ll probably just look for their next unsuspecting Lovely.
You have amazing instincts, please learn to trust them.
I might sound a bit cynical here, but trust me; I’ve seen it too many times.
Change for these people is hard, it’s much easier to just move on and find someone else who will tolerate their bad behaviour.
Keep the faith my Lovely; love is out there for you.
Working on your self-esteem will help you to avoid all of these pitfalls in the future.
It’s time to fall in Love with you!
Much Love
Christina xx