I met with one of my Lovely clients this week.
Let’s call him Luke – Lovely Luke 🙂
Luke is quite possibly the nicest, gentlest, most compassionate person I’ve ever met.
He is kindness personified.
He’s thoughtful, caring and selfless.
On a scale of Loveliness he’s right at the top end.
He absolutely epitomises it…it oozes out of every pore.
He’s a sweet, sweet guy.
The problem is, Luke is miserable…REALLY miserable…he’s had enough.
His people-pleasing ways are causing all kind of problems in his life.
He’s just had another relationship fail that he’d poured everything into.
He’s utterly fed up of being taken for granted, under-appreciated and overlooked.
As we work together, and his self-esteem is rising, he’s starting to get angry (a good emotion, in this case).
Luke comes from a big family.
He’s the youngest of 5 boys.
He had a very strict, domineering father and a very sweet, nurturing mother.
He definitely emulates his mother’s sweet nature, rather than his father’s bullish one.
Throughout his childhood, he was terrified of his father.
He daren’t step out of line in any way, for fear of triggering his temper and incurring his wrath.
Because of this, he learned to be a “good boy”.
His older brothers took all the main roles, before Luke was old enough – the clever one, the sporty one, the good looking one; even the poorly one.
The only role left for Luke was the caring, accommodating; it’s-never-about-me one.
This is how lots of Lovelies are borne.
The sweet, gentle-natured children tend to become the family people-pleasers.
In some cases, they almost become the servant (Cinderella) of the family.
I’m glad Luke is getting angry.
In the right context, anger is a positive thing.
It creates energy, and the fire you need to fight an injustice. It stops inertia.
Luke hasn’t had this before.
I mention to him that it may be time to ration his compassion.
He agrees.
Like Luke, most Lovelies have compassion in abundance.
So let’s have a chat about what compassion is, and what it is not?
The dictionary definition of compassion is sympathetic pity or concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
I would define it as the ability to be one with others and sacrifice SOME of your needs for theirs, but without being depleted.
In other words, giving from your overflow…
Please read the words without being depleted again.
And then again…because this is the vitally important bit.
Compassion is NOT:-
- Jumping in and taking ownership of another person’s problems – the person will never grow or learn that way.
- Giving everything you’ve got, to the point of exhaustion or burn out – that doesn’t help anybody.
- Sacrificing every bit of yourself to help another – when they haven’t asked for and maybe don’t want your help anyway.
- Joining in the victim mentality of blaming others – misery loves company, but doesn’t generally achieve anything.
- Seeing what someone needs and giving it to them straight away in order to make them and yourself feel better.
- Constantly picking up the pieces, or bailing out the other person, so they never learn from their mistakes.
- Thinking that you know better than the other person – even if you’re very wise, you haven’t lived their life and you’re not in their shoes.
- Helping someone to the extent that you take away all their power and/or autonomy.
- Being so nice you’re a doormat.
When you give under these terms, you can often end up feeling put upon and used.
You’ll be mad at yourself and resentful of what you’ve given/done for the other person, when they just didn’t appreciate all your hard work and investment.
Often though, the other person didn’t ask you to do all that in the first place.
It’s actually a passive-aggressive quest for power and control on your part.
Please be careful not to fall into this trap.
If you’re angry, miffed or resentful that the other person isn’t grateful enough, maybe you’re giving way too much of yourself away.
That isn’t compassion.
Many of us believe that compassion is seeing what someone needs and giving it to them, in order to make them and ourselves feel better.
It’s hard to see someone suffer
It’s even worse, if we’re not suffering too.
But, it’s not our place to completely take over, just because we can.
Even as a parent.
So many Lovelies suffer from saviour syndrome.
We think our TLC can heal the world.
We like nothing more than a bird with a broken wing, to pour our Love into.
Well just be careful my Lovelies.
It’s nice to be nice, it’s not nice to be too nice.
So if all that’s NOT compassion, what is it then?
Compassion is:-
- Understanding and empathising with what someone is going through, but not instantly jumping in and taking over.
- Asking if someone would like your support – notice I said support and not help. Support encourages the other person to take responsibility, heal and grow.
- Giving support from your overflow, rather than from your own cup and depleting yourself.
- NOT taking ownership of the other person’s issue – it’s their issue, not yours, no matter how well-meaning you are.
- Responding to THEIR request/wishes – not just doing what YOU think you should do.
- Giving, supporting or sharing from a place of mastery yourself, so you don’t feel that you are losing/over-giving anything.
- Standing strong with the other person and supporting them in their own decision-making process – not constantly just picking up the pieces so the person will make the same mistake again and again.
A compassionate person supports others in their ability to heal themselves, not by healing them.
There’s a fine line between compassion and martyrdom.
And I fear a lot of my Lovelies are on the martyrdom side of the line.
I know I was for many years.
I could still catch myself falling into this trap now, if I’m honest.
We mustn’t give so much that we take away the other persons power or autonomy to heal themselves.
Or so much that we feel mightily miffed when they’re not super grateful for all that we’ve done.
Ask yourself – Do I do this? Am I a bit of a doormat? Do I give far too much?
And if so, start to pull back.
Your family and friends might not like it, but push on and persevere anyway.
That’s what I got Luke to do.
It was a struggle at first.
Over-giving seems to be in the DNA of most Lovelies.
Being compassionate is a wonderful thing, but just make sure that strength doesn’t tip into a weakness, because you’re overdoing it.
Be nice, but not too nice my Lovelies.
If you’re a bit of a doormat it’s time to get up off the floor 🙂
Much Love
Christina xx