As I’m typing these words, all I can hear is that Salt-N-Pepa hip-hop song from the early 90s.
Let’s talk about sex baby,
Let’s talk about you and me,
Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.
Let’s talk about sex.
If you’re under 30, you might have to look this one up…it’s a very catchy tune and the lyrics make a valid point.
I actually do want to talk about sex, so if you’re really uncomfortable with that, you might want to give this blog a miss (or read it from behind your fingers when no-one’s looking).
It’s predominantly for heterosexual couples.
But if you’re someone who enjoys sex with the same gender then it basically all still applies. Just tweak it to fit your circumstances.
Why do I want to talk about sex?
Because sex is such a vitally important topic and we get so little education about it.
It has the power to make us feel on top of the world, but also the complete opposite too.
It can cause us all kinds of difficulties and problems.
As well as being the way we procreate and continue the human race, sex CAN be one of life’s greatest pleasures.
So it’s WELL worth putting the effort in to get it right.
Unfortunately, lots of people find sex absolutely excruciating to talk about.
Especially with their partner.
How can we know how to get it as good as it can be, if we don’t talk about it?
We can’t just wave a magic wand and wish for it all to be fine.
Nothing else in life work’s like that, and neither does sex.
It’s only when we can be easy and talk about sex freely, that it can REALLY make a difference in our lives.
I’ve helped many past clients and couples communicate about their unsatisfying sex lives.
Why is this so difficult for most of us to do?
Because sex and masturbation are taboo subjects in most families – especially religious ones.
They just don’t get discussed.
Or worse…we get told they’re bad, dirty, wrong or sinful.
Sex education at school is functional at best.
So most of us just pick things up here and there.
It’s all very hit and miss and far from ideal.
Yes, talking about sex CAN be uncomfortable, but the rewards are so great, it’s well worth a bit of discomfort.
Here are some facts about sex you maybe didn’t realise:-
- Sex is super healthy for you.
- It keeps you young.
- It stimulates your hormones and neurotransmitters releasing yummy dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.
- It calms you down and reduces your stress levels.
- It makes you feel alive – it’s a pleasurable vascular event that’s great for oxygenating your heart, brain, and other organs.
- It can improve your cardiovascular function by helping to build strength and stamina. A study found that women who enjoy regular orgasms have a decreased risk of heart disease and type 2 diabetes. (Fill your boots ladies).
- Regular sex prevents erectile dysfunction in men and strengthens your pelvic floor (in men and women). The stronger your pelvic floor, the fewer cough/sneeze accidents you have AND the stronger your orgasms.
- Sex can help you sleep – the release of oxytocin and dopamine following orgasm can help promote rest and peacefulness. No wonder so many people like to drift off after sex. (If you can’t sleep, get frisky 🙂 )
- This works on headaches too!
- If you break a sweat and get your heart pumping sex can burn lots of calories.
- When you orgasm you flood your brain with feel good endorphins; these promote feelings of bliss, so regular sex can help to combat depression.
- A strong sex- life can work wonders for your mental well-being and bond your relationship.
- Sex is a use-it-or-lose-it proposition. Your genitals will atrophy if you don’t use them. Take heed gentlemen. Anecdotally it’s said that young men are having less sex than ever before.
- Sex gets better with age – if you do it right.
- Older adults can make the best lovers! Many couples, well into their 60s, 70s, and even 80s, are now having the best sex of their lives. (Grey hair and wrinkles don’t matter one jot).
- There is no real endpoint for couples who are committed to having better and better passion and intimacy every year. The key is in the communication – constantly improving your emotional bond and sharing what you do and don’t enjoy.
And you don’t have to be in a relationship to have fantastic sex.
You can experience it all on your own.
Self-exploration and self-pleasure are very much encouraged (for both men and women).
And knowing how and where your body experiences pleasure will only improve your sex life when you do meet a new partner.
Sex and masturbation are not dirty, bad or wrong.
They are THE most natural part of life.
Our bodies would not have been given so many pleasure sensors and erogenous zones if we weren’t supposed to enjoy them 🙂
Just don’t be compulsive about it.
Dr Emily Morse has a great book out called Smart Sex – How to boost your Sex IQ and own your pleasure.
Whilst I advocate masturbation, I don’t recommend excessive pornography.
Porn is a multi-billion dollar business created for men to masturbate to.
The vast majority of it is degrading to women.
It’s so accessible nowadays, it can create a dopamine addiction that ruins men’s ability to get excited about their “everyday” woman.
Pornography is not real sex.
It’s the “junk food” equivalent of sex.
Why eat junk food when you can have the organic vegetables and healthy protein of real-life couple’s sex that your body craves so much more?
It’s far better to discover your own sexual compass with a REAL person.
Men and women can enjoy emotional and sexual intimacy equally.
We are all capable of creating deep connections – the deepest connections create the most satisfying sexual encounters.
A sensual and respectful connection is about exploring and appreciating each other’s physical aspects while still respecting each other’s boundaries.
There has to be open dialogue about your needs, wants, fears, and expectations.
This will minimize misunderstandings, doubts and insecurities.
It’s about expressing your needs and feelings and then listening and understanding your partner’s needs and feelings.
Once you’ve established a deep emotional connection, you should continue nurturing and growing it for as long as you’re together.
With emotional connection there needs to be a rhythm – build, rest, then build again.
Sweet, sensual, passionate bedroom skills are the opposite of pornography.
They include kissing, touching, bonding, respectful communication, and heart-connected lovemaking.
Mastering this makes it possible to unlock a deeper understanding and passion than many people manage to achieve.
If you’re a man who wants to put a smile on his new woman’s face.
Spoil her before you ever get her in the bedroom.
Speak words of love to her in HER Love Language.
Great sex begins in the mind and in the conversations you have, long before you take your clothes off.
Learn to make foreplay your forte 🙂
AND TAKE YOUR TIME.
If you’re a woman who wants to put a smile on her new man’s face.
Find ways to make him feel admired, appreciated and desired.
Men’s arousal comes with its fair share of fear and performance anxiety.
He needs to know he is wanted above all else.
He needs to know you’re happy being with him and that he’s doing a great job as your lover.
Unlike women, who DON’T want to be grabbed right away, men appreciate having their penis touched early and often.
He needs to know you love his penis.
Remember, he watches porn and sees all those enormous ones!
He can feel insecure about his package.
Reassurance goes both ways in the genital appreciation department.
KEEP COMMUNICATING!
And you too could be one of those couples having AMAZING sex into your 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.
I hope I haven’t made you blush too much 🙂
If I can help you with your self-esteem, sexual confidence or anything else, please get in touch.
Any efforts you make in this area will be greatly rewarded.
Much Love
Christina xx