Throughout my therapy and coaching over the years I have seen a fairly equal mix of men and women. At the end of each year I do a tally and it’s almost always miraculously 50/50.
It’s great to see that men are now embracing their mental health and seeking help with their emotional issues. The stigma seems to finally be leaving us. Sadly, it’s not enough to save some of the male suicides and deaths from excessive alcohol that we see every year, but it’s a step in the right direction.
For the majority of men their mental and emotional health comes right at the back of the queue (if it even makes it into the queue at all). They’ll focus on ANYTHING rather than their emotions.
Emotions are dodgy ground for most men. Especially you blokey blokes.
When I work with women – they have generally discussed their issues with a trusted friend or family member first. They may have discussed them with a number of people before they’ve realised they need professional help.
Most women (not all, by any means) make sense of their emotions by sharing them with others.
When I work with men – they have very rarely ever discussed their issues with anyone. I mean no-one. They may not have ever even discussed them with themselves!
Many have tried to distract their emotions away, drink their emotions away, golf their emotions away, drug their emotions away, masturbate their emotions away or any number of other things to bury them or sweep them under the carpet.
Most men don’t make sense of their emotions because they ignore them.
Men can be ashamed of their emotions, embarrassed about their emotions, scared of their emotions and most definitely not willing to “burden” their partners or family with their emotions.
When women are out with the girls they’ll talk about emotions, feelings and issues.
When men are out with the boys they’ll talk about sport, sex and jokes (I assume)! Anything BUT emotions and feelings!
Generally men have just as many emotions as women. They just don’t know what to do with them.
If you’re someone who regularly ignores your feelings – be careful. They can be like a Jack-in-the-box. Push them down often enough and they’ll pop up at the most inconvenient moment.
Feelings and emotions are often analogised to water. When you block yourself from feeling your emotions because you just don’t like that uncomfortable feeling, you’re building a dam inside you. Eventually that dam will break and a flood will come out. You’ll get them ALL at once and it will almost certainly be at the worst possible time for you.
No feeling is permanent. It’s just energy; it’s just a message that needs to be heard. The more you ignore it the louder it will shout. The more you listen, act and process the more it dissolves. Leaving you with that extra understanding. Some take longer than others to dissolve, but they are ALL process-able.
Bad things can happen to us at any age. Particularly in our childhood, teens and early adult life. These bad events or experiences can cause wounds. These wounds can be very deep. If you ignore them they will continue to bleed. When they bleed, it hurts.
If you process these wounds then you gain the wisdom and clarity from those experiences. You gain lessons and learnings that can help you in life. Wisdom enters those wounds and allows them to heal. You may be left scarred but that scar will be the strongest part of you.
No-one goes through life without some wounding – no-one. In fact, most people are walking wounded. Especially you men. Many of you are carrying a lifetime of pain you have never processed.
When I work with men for the first time they often don’t know where to start. They have pushed down their emotions for so long, they just don’t have the words. Talking about their feelings is an alien concept to them.
Gradually, with gentle prompting, they relax and start to slowly open up. When they realise the sense of relief this brings they open up some more and then more and more and more.
With each feeling we drag out of the shadows and into the light they feel lighter, freer and happier.
Sometimes I will reframe something for them or make suggestions, sometimes I just offer a safe, confidential space and let them talk….and talk…and talk.
Verbalizing and vocalizing your feelings/issues with a professional therapist or coach can be the most healing experience ever. Often once men start, they don’t want to stop. It’s such a relief to finally offload this stuff that has been weighing them down for so long.
Imagine you are dragging all of your unresolved issues around with you in a big, old heavy suitcase. Life is hard because you always have to have your suitcase with you. When you process all of your stuff you get to leave your suitcase behind and get on with your life. Free as a bird.
Most men will tell me things they’ve never told another soul before. If I had a pound for every time someone said “I’ve never told anyone this before but I want to tell you now” I’d be a very rich woman!
Sometimes there are tears – copious tears. Some men will cry for their whole session. This is fine. It all needs to come out. But often there is elation and laughter because they are offloading a burden they have carried for far too long.
Coaching can’t change the past but it can most definitely change how you feel about the past.
My Professional Association insists that I have supervision and therapy on a regular basis so I can have a good “clear out”. I think everyone else should do the same. Everyone. Especially you emotionally closed men.
None of us can go through life without accumulating some “junk” that needs clearing. A divorce, a bereavement, an argument, a disappointment….
If you had a physical illness you would go and see a GP or consultant, so why not go and see a therapist when you have an emotional issue – it’s exactly the same.
If you were a great athlete or sportsman you would undoubtedly have a coach to get the best possible physical performance out of you. So why not have an emotional wellbeing coach to get you in a tip-top state emotionally. A great emotional state will improve every other area of your life.
If everyone had regular sessions with a therapist or wellbeing coach the world would be a much, much happier place, in my opinion. And depression, alcoholism and suicide would be greatly alleviated.
See a professional and put down that heavy old suitcase. You’ll be happy you did.
Much Love
Christina xx