A little while ago, I had a minor contretemps with one of my clients.
A mini-disagreement, if you like.
This would be highly unusual (never happen) with one of my gentle, people-pleasing Lovelies.
But it’s not that unusual (regularly happens) with one of my strong-willed, successful Lonelies.
On the whole, my Lonelies are a fairly feisty bunch, and are very used to getting their own way.
This single-minded focus is often why they’ve been so successful in life.
But they can be their own worst enemies.
They don’t always like to hear a different version of the truth to their own.
I always explain to them that it’s only my truth, it’s how I see things, they don’t have to agree, but as they’re coming to me for help with their issues, it might be worth trying my truth on for size.
My client and I, let’s call him Chris, were discussing his relationships and his childhood.
As I’ve said previously, our early years are extremely important when we’re looking to identify the ROOT cause of our problems.
It was Aristotle that famously said “Give me a child until 7 and I will show you the man.”
And this is predominantly true.
Our personalities are pretty much formed by this age.
Does that mean that we’re stuck with these pre-age 7 traits?
No, not at all.
Can we change our traits at any age?
Absolutely we can…if we know how, and we’re willing to put the work in.
So, back to our contretemps…
Chris tells me that he’s always struggled in relationships because he’s not lovable.
(These are his exact words.)
I ask him to clarify what he means.
And he just repeats the sentence again, with a bit more emphasis.
“I’m not lovable.”
He’s very matter-of-fact about it.
As if he’s just said I’m not a robot.
I ask him “How do you know you’re not lovable?”
“I just know”, he says.
“How do you know?” I probe.
“Has anyone ever told you you’re not lovable?
“They don’t need to tell me, I just know.”
I ask him to define what lovable means to him.
He gives me a fairly accurate description of what lovability is.
And then tells me, quite adamantly, that he’s not it.
Now I’ve been seeing Chris for quite a few weeks at this point.
He is certainly feisty and strong-willed, but he is also very kind and has a wonderful sense of humour, that gives him a really appealing twinkle in his eye.
He’s a very successful, wealthy guy who appears to have some very good personal qualities.
There is nothing about him, that I have witnessed so far, that makes me believe he is unlovable.
On the contrary – I see a lot of light in him.
So I say to him. “You ARE lovable.”
“Oh no I’m not!” he replies.
“Oh yes you are!” I come back with.
For a second, we both stare at each other, resolute in our conviction, and then we break out laughing, at our pantomime carry on.
What fuelled Chris’s great financial success was his mother wound.
He had a very difficult relationship with his mother when he was growing up.
She was still a teenager when he was born – only 17.
Her pregnancy was unexpected and unwanted and she had let Chris know this on more than one occasion.
He has never known his father.
Because Chris’s mother had never really bonded with him, he was predominantly raised by his grandmother.
She was a very cold woman, who also appeared resentful of having to bring him up.
He’s an only child, as his mother chose not to have any further children.
He’s had a couple of long-term relationships, which haven’t worked out.
Chris has taken all of this to mean that he’s unlovable.
That he’s not worthy of receiving Love.
It’s unavailable to him.
It’s easy to see why Chris would have this belief.
But it doesn’t make it the truth.
Just because Love is not available in your early years DOES NOT mean you are UNLOVABLE.
I’ve worked with many, many clients who also believed this.
They’ve either had difficult childhoods like Chris, or broken relationships, where they’ve been left or abandoned by a previous partner or two.
They’ve made a blanket assumption based on a very small sample of people.
NOT RECEIVNG LOVE FROM A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE UNLOVABLE!
Let me repeat that (VERY LOUDLY.)
NOT RECEIVNG LOVE FROM A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE UNLOVABLE!
It just means the circumstances in which you grew up or have previously lived did NOT display long term love to you.
Some people are just not capable of bringing up children. They’re not cut out for it.
That doesn’t make the child unlovable; it just means the parent was inadequate/incapable/ too busy or distracted.
It actually says nothing at all about the child.
This belief doesn’t serve anyone, in any way.
It’s totally disempowering, so it needs to go.
Wipe the slate in your mind clean.
In the same way that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is Love.
There are 8 billion people on the planet now and most of us like completely different things.
Our tastes and preferences are completely personal to us
This is really great news, because if we all liked/loved the same things/people there would be a stampede and we’d all be trampled in the crush of everyone trying to get to the same few things/people.
(Think toilet paper in the lockdowns!)
THANK GOODNESS we all like different things.
The word lovable means inspiring or deserving love or affection.
In my eyes it also means ABLE to receive LOVE.
Unless someone is truly evil (only a tiny, tiny percentage of the population) then you ARE loveable.
You just have to surround yourself with the RIGHT people and ALLOW THAT LOVE IN.
Let me go a bit deeper.
If you have the belief that you are lovable, you will be on the lookout for evidence to support that belief.
Evidence that shows you are deserving of Love and/or friendship.
You’ll be EXPECTING to see them.
So you’ll invite people in who will want to Love or be friends with you.
You’ll keep your energy open and inviting.
You’ll be receptive and willing to give Love/friendship too.
And because you are giving off open, warm, receptive energy and expecting to find Love and/or friendship, you will.
If you have a belief that you are unlovable or unworthy, you will look for evidence of that too.
You’ll allow your mind to play tricks on you, ( so you ignore any contra-evidence, that says you ARE lovable.)
You’ll have closed off energy.
You’ll have the shutters down and be avoidant.
You won’t recognise Love/true friendship, even if it hits you in the face, because you have a belief you don’t deserve it or it’s unavailable to you.
So you won’t let it in.
You may run away when people show you genuine Love, because Love is scary to you.
You’ll reject people, or not let them get close to you, to back up your belief and prevent yourself from getting hurt again.
What I’m saying here is, if you believe you’re lovable, you’re lovable.
If you believe you’re unlovable, you’re unlovable.
We’re all self-fulfilling prophecies.
Please choose your beliefs carefully!
People who have a childhood like Chris, where Love is unavailable or in very short supply, clearly have a harder time than people who grow up in loving families.
But it still doesn’t mean you are unlovable.
It just means that healthy Love wasn’t modelled to you.
So it feels unnatural….unfamiliar.
But unnatural and unfamiliar don’t equal unavailable.
I want people like Chris to experience Love and/or true friendship more than anyone.
Because they’ve been so starved of Love all of their life.
I’m still working with him to increase his loveability and I’m happy to say, he’s making huge strides 🙂
We drew a line under his past and pressed reset that contretemps/pantomime day.
Love is a skill that can be learned like any other.
Chris is a good man – he really deserves to Love and be Loved.
That goes for most of my other Lonelies too.
Do you need my help with your loveability?
Then get in touch.
Have a great week.
Much Love
Christina xx
(P.S Those truly evil people I mentioned earlier are people who were starved of any kind of Love or positive attention when they were children. They turned bad instead of sad. But that’s a story for another day….)