I’ve been reading some very sad statistics this week.
The WHO estimates that anxiety and depression have risen by a massive 25% since the pandemic.
The Office of National Statistics found 21% of adults in the UK experienced some kind of depression in 2021.
That’s more than twice as many as pre-pandemic.
It seems like the whole world is depressed or anxious (or both) at the moment.
I’m definitely finding evidence of this amongst my clients too.
1 in 6 people are now taking anti-depressants.
For years, it was mainly women who took the anti-depressants. They were more prepared to talk about their depression and to actively do something about it.
But now men are catching up.
It’s good that men are being more pro-active with their mental health, but it’s not good that so many of them are now struggling with depression.
Middle aged men particularly.
A report by the Samaritans showed that men are 3 times more likely to take their own lives than women.
For men between 45 and 49, it’s nearly 4 times as much.
Could this be because of andropause – the male equivalent of the menopause?
(Yes, this is a real thing – look it up).
I think we’ve all heard stories about guys who seemed fine, had a great life (on paper), told no-one about their plans, and then took their own lives.
It’s both shocking and very, very sad.
Although depression can be caused by a myriad of different things, I have a theory.
I’ve worked with so many depressed men and also wives of depressed men over the years and they ALL had one thing in common.
They were afraid of being vulnerable.
They kept their feelings behind an imaginary wall.
They kept everything bottled up.
Most of them didn’t grow up in homes that openly expressed emotions or expressed emotions in a healthy way, so it felt completely alien to them.
If they had any kind of emotional problems, they felt they had to suffer them in silence.
Tears were shameful to them.
They very much equated vulnerability with weakness.
And under no circumstances did they ever want to appear weak.
All this bottling up, wall around their heart stuff was the main cause of their depression, in my opinion.
When you have a wall around your heart, you block the good stuff out too.
Now I don’t want this blog to be too heavy, that’s why I’ve given it a quirky title and that’s the angle I’d like to take.
I think it’s very possible for men to be vulnerable and still be sexy.
In fact, I think vulnerability in a strong, dependable, masculine guy is incredibly sexy!
What qualifies me to say this?
- I’m a healthy woman.
- I’m friends with a lot of other healthy women. We talk.
- I work with healthy women every day who tell me what they want from their man, that they’re not getting.
Women nowadays don’t want a man who is emotionally unavailable.
Closed, distant, detached, silent, bottled up.
They don’t want a man who is wishy-washy or weeping and wailing all over the place either.
That’s not vulnerability.
They want a man who can share how he’s feeling, one who consciously chooses NOT to hide his feelings and emotions from them.
A man who can be transparent and open enough to let down his wall.
To take off his mask and live as his true self.
THAT’S NOT WEAK!
Let me just shout that from the rooftops.
THAT’S NOT WEAK!
It’s courageous and it’s healthy and it’s powerful and it’s strong – it’s the opposite of weak.
So what is vulnerability?
Vulnerability is what connects us to other human beings.
It’s when we genuinely and sincerely “expose” something about ourselves to others.
Either our experiences, emotions or desires.
We do it to learn about each other and to deepen our connection.
But we need to get the balance right.
Too closed and we’re still being fake and inauthentic.
That’s not sexy.
Or so open that we’re emotionally vomiting.
That’s not sexy either.
It comes across as too needy.
We’re looking for that sweet spot in the middle.
Vulnerability often generates fear; of being embarrassed, or of being hurt by the other person’s response/rejection.
This is where courage comes in.
We have to overcome those fears.
And when we do, the payback is immense.
Vulnerability is exposing your flaws and weaknesses to the world and saying “This is who I am. I don’t care what you think of me. I refuse to be anyone else.”
Wow – that’s sexy!
True vulnerability is dropping the mask and exposing our real glorious selves to the people that we trust.
In order to be a strong, healthy individual we must be willing to do this.
It strengthens our relationships, improves our mental health (no more unhealthy bottling) and increases our quality of life.
Plus when we share our feelings or worries with others, we’re able to clear them up and process them so much quicker.
In my opinion a real man is the one who can open up, express his feelings, be empathic and still go and expertly chop wood!
These old invulnerable habits may be deeply ingrained in you, and you might be feeling completely overwhelmed at the thought of changing them.
My advice is start slowly and gradually build up.
Here are 5 ways to help you be more vulnerable.
- Do something you’re not good at and let others see. Nobody is good at everything. Don’t be afraid to be a beginner. Laugh at yourself.
- Focus on positive outcomes rather than negative ones. Over-thinking and worst case scenarios are NOT motivating. Stop focussing on the worst thing that can happen and start imagining the wonderful things that can happen.
- Find a way to express the thoughts/feelings you keep inside. Start by saying them out loud to yourself, journaling or writing songs.
- Be brave enough to tell someone how much they mean to you. A friend, a lover, a family member. If it’s too uncomfortable to say it, write it down initially, and send a card or email.
- Make peace with your past. Don’t carry around old hurts. Let me help you with this.
Go for it! I promise you’ll reap the rewards.
This blog leads me nicely into my new YouTube channel – Men and Their Emotions.
All being well, I’ll be launching it on Friday 2nd September (a lucky day for me – what would have been my beloved Mums 80th birthday).
I’ll be vulnerable and tell you that I’m a tad nervous – but I’m going for it anyway!
My Emotions Masterclass should be available the Friday after – 9th September (my half birthday).
Half birthday??
I’ll explain all about that in next week’s blog!
Have a great week.
Much Love
Christina xx