I met with a favourite client of mine this week.
Let’s call him Harry.
Harry is newly divorced after a long marriage.
He’s come to me to clear up his past and to make sure he’s the best possible version of himself as he moves onto the next chapter of his life.
He recognises that he’s made mistakes in the past.
He knows he’s not always been at his best.
He realises that he has some lessons to learn so he doesn’t make those same mistakes again.
He’s taking a pause to heal, to find the real him, to learn and grow and then move forward as a better Harry than ever.
I really admire him for this; I wish everyone would do it.
Harry has been with me for a little while now and is making huge strides, so our conversation turns to the topic of dating.
He’s been out of the dating game for a long time.
When I mention dating he visibly pales.
“What’s the matter?” I ask.
“I’m terrified” he replies.
I smile, “why are you terrified?”
“Approaching women is really intimidating. It’s downright scary. I’m bound to get rejected” he says, “I’m just too shy”.
Now Harry is a very successful guy.
In most areas of his life he is confident, forthright and accomplished.
So this contrast is interesting.
He continues “Women are the gate-keepers when it comes to dating, they’re in charge. I had no luck with girls at school. I just find the whole thing really difficult”.
I ask him how he met his wife.
He tells me he honestly can’t remember.
“We all hung around in the same group and just sort of fell into each other, I think”.
“Would you consider internet dating?” I ask.
He pulls a face.
“Well Harry, if you find it terrifying to approach a woman and you don’t want to internet date, we have a bit of a problem!”
He laughs and says “I need your help with this bit”.
This is more common than you would expect amongst my successful male clients.
Dating can be such a daunting prospect for them.
No matter how successful they are in their professional lives, they are often absolutely terrified at the thought of approaching a woman romantically.
And the more attracted to the woman they are, the more terrified they are!
Sometimes the bigger the persona, the smaller or shyer he feels when it comes to approaching a woman or asking her out.
Their rejection fears are real…very real.
Why is this such an issue for them?
Well, in most cases, it’s a combination of things.
They may have had no luck in their teens with girls (often 30 or 40 years ago)!
And this belief has stayed with them.
Despite all the other changes they’ve made in their lives, they still feel like that awkward teenager who lucks out when it comes to the opposite sex.
A lot of men are incredibly shy – even though it’s the last thing you’d expect.
Compounding this issue is the way women’s confidence has grown over recent decades.
With female empowerment has come male confusion.
Men’s traditional roles as the provider and protector don’t seem to fit anymore.
Combine that with all of the “Me Too” stuff recently and we now have a perfect storm.
Plus many of my Lonely clients have had their hearts broken or had a really bad experience in love, so they’re reluctant to put themselves out there again.
It all makes sense if you break it down, but something has to give if they’re to meet someone and be in with a chance of new love.
After all, their next date could lead to them meeting the love of their life…
Many men just need a bit of convincing.
Harry is one of them.
He confesses…“I just don’t understand women at all”.
Harry’s a nice guy…a gentleman.
He tells me he often wants to offer the women in his surroundings help, but he fears upsetting them.
He’s confused…should he offer or not?
Should he open the door, offer up his seat, help the woman struggling with a heavy bag or suitcase?
Yes he should, in my opinion, because many women still appreciate chivalry.
But he should also graciously back off if the woman declines his offer.
I believe it’s better to offend with kindness than to annoy with discourtesy.
Women, if you’re on the receiving end of this offer please be pleasant, even if you don’t want/need the help.
The VAST MAJORITY of men are NOT trying to belittle, put down, hit on or patronise you.
They just want to help.
Don’t let the odd bad apple spoil the whole barrel for you.
When it comes to successful dating for Harry, I think it’s better that he keeps his options open.
He should consider dating apps as well as meeting someone “organically”.
In 2019, 39% of dating couples had met online and 14% of the people who got married that year had met through a dating app.
Harry HAS to put himself out there, one way or the other, or it will be virtually impossible for him to meet someone.
I encourage him to grasp the nettle.
Yes he does have to be a little vulnerable and open up to new experiences, but it won’t kill him.
I gently push him to go for it.
I’m going to support him all the way.
I reassure him that the more he does it, the easier it will get.
And anyway, his companion on the date will often be in exactly the same boat.
In the olden days 🙂 most people met their partners in clubs and bars.
You’d eye each other up across a crowded room and the man would approach and buy you a drink before the night was out.
He might even offer to walk you home in the hope that he’d get a good night kiss and the offer of a date.
Things have moved on since those days.
Men are more likely to look you up on Tinder now than they are to walk across a bar and ask you out.
If a man DOES have the courage to approach you whilst you’re out and about ladies, please be kind.
Unless the man is an obvious out-and-out player, it’s probably taken all the guts he could muster just to approach you.
If you’re not interested, but he’s a decent guy, please let him down gently.
Harry balks at the thought of approaching a stranger in a bar, so I suggest he takes up a new activity such as trying a different exercise class or joining a cycling club.
He’s a bit more open to this suggestion.
“That sounds ok,” he says “but I just don’t know how to flirt”.
“You don’t have to flirt” I say,” just smile and be friendly, make good eye contact”.
“If she likes you, she’ll smile and give you good eye contact back”.
“If she does that a few times she’s basically dropping her hankie for you to pick up” 🙂
“Just be normal, you don’t need cheesy chat up lines, just talk about the class or the ride, or other classes or rides you’ve been on”.
“Don’t come on too strong too soon, but if she seems happy to see you and chat, ask her if she’d like to grab a drink after the class/ride”.
Harry smiles.
He’s feeling a bit more reassured.
What might seem really easy and natural for some people can feel excruciating for others.
As times and gender roles are changing, it’s not always easy or clear cut for men to know how to proceed.
That’s where I come in 🙂
The Dating Game can be a tricky one.
Let’s use some psychology to help you navigate it.
I’ll let you know how Harry gets on.
Much Love
Christina xx