When I was searching for an image for this blog, I came across some incredibly cute twin pictures, but when I saw the look of glee on this little boys face as he was choking his twin brother, I just knew it had to be this one!
The title is the terrible twins, after all.
This blog is nothing to do with actual twins.
It’s just the name I’ve given to two tricky characters.
My terrible twins are Perfectionism and Procrastination.
I call them the terrible twins because these two are so often bedfellows.
They usually go hand in hand.
If you have low self-esteem, you’ll often believe that you have to be perfect to be worthwhile/loveable.
Nothing less than perfect will do.
Many of us hold ourselves to incredibly high (impossible) standards.
And then beat ourselves up for being overwhelmed by them.
We compare ourselves to our idea of the perfect person, then feel really bad because we’re not that.
That person doesn’t even exist – they’re just a figment of our imagination.
It’s crazy!
Just another thing a lot of us do to make ourselves not feel good enough.
So why do we do this?
Well, this often stems from overly critical parenting.
If you had a very critical or narcissistic parent, nothing you ever did would have been good enough for them.
You learned to second-guess yourself all the time and think you had to be perfect.
If you’re not careful, this limiting belief will stay with you for your whole life.
Generally, we don’t hold other people to the same lofty ideals.
We’ll usually be much kinder to other people, than we ever are to ourselves.
But we don’t see the irony in this.
When this crops up in sessions, I’ll say to clients:-
“If you had an identical twin, who was completely identical to you in every way, would you expect them to be 100% perfect or you couldn’t love them?”
“Of course not” they always reply.
“So why do you have to be 100% perfect then?”
Silence…
Because we believe that we have to be perfect in every way, we procrastinate on many of our tasks and duties.
Our perfectionism leads to our procrastination.
This means we put things off – time and time and time again.
We’re terrified of making a mistake or not doing something perfectly, so we don’t start.
And then we beat ourselves up again for being lazy or unfocused or useless….or whatever else.
It’s a vicious circle.
In the past, if I had a big task, that I really didn’t want to do, it was amazing how many other things I could get done first, in an attempt to avoid the thing I should really be doing.
I would fly through all the other tasks that we’re on my “I don’t really want to do this list.”
It wasn’t all bad I suppose, I cleared some grotty tasks!
But seriously, when we set incredibly high standards for ourselves, it places a huge burden on us.
Hardly anyone can perform perfectly all the time.
So don’t try, I say.
High standards are to be commended, perfection is not.
Unless you’re a doctor or scientist or something, where you do have to be super precise, I always say 85% is good enough.
If you’re studying for a degree, a first class honours is 70%.
If you’re studying for a diploma, a distinction is also 70%.
If you’re sitting your driving test you can receive 15 minors and still pass.
85% is excellent.
Release that pressure valve just a little and aim for that.
In most cases perfection is completely subjective anyway.
Unless it’s something mathematical or engineering based, who decides whether something is perfect?
There are probably 8 billion (yes we’re about to go over 8 billion people in the world) different kinds of perfection.
Like there are 8 billion different kinds of normal.
Just do your best.
In most cases, that will be good enough.
Cut yourself some slack.
People with low self-esteem are generally incredibly hard-working and conscientious anyway.
Their 85% really will be excellent.
85% done is far better than 100% not done.
The Japanese practice something called Wabi-Sabi.
It’s the ancient art of finding beauty and perfection in things that are imperfect, impermanent or incomplete.
It’s about seeing beauty in things that are modest, humble or unconventional.
It acknowledges three simple realities -nothing lasts forever, nothing is ever truly finished and nothing is perfect.
I like this philosophy.
Let’s be clear – I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give something your all.
You should.
But don’t turn yourself inside out, or make yourself stressed and/or ill trying to achieve something that’s beyond you.
Philosopher and Martial Arts Master Bruce Lee famously said “Be water, my friend…water can flow or it can crash.”
I agree with Bruce – you can flow like water and still be incredibly powerful. Floods and tsunamis prove that.
Perfectionism is too rigid, so let it go.
That critical parent isn’t dictating to you anymore. You decide your standards in life now.
If perfectionism is going, so can procrastination.
Here are 10 ways to help you give it the boot:-
- Analyse your procrastination – is there a recurring reason why you do it? Try to understand it. Can you do anything to work around that reason?
- Eliminate all distractions. TV, phone, social media, other people. Find a quiet, comfortable space to work.
- Make a written plan or timetable and put it somewhere very obvious, where it will remind you to stay on track.
- Set aside chunks of time for your task and actually diarise them. Make these appointments non-negotiable.
- Start with the tiniest possible step forward – tell yourself its ok to make the odd mistake, while you’re getting going. Getting started is always the hardest part. It doesn’t have to be perfect, you can fine-tune at a later stage.
- Make your task more enjoyable – by listening to music, wearing comfy clothes, having your favourite drink and snack etc.
- Set yourself intermittent deadlines. If you achieve your deadline, treat yourself.
- Create a starting ritual. Try Mel Robbins 5-4-3-2-1-Go! Give yourself the countdown then MOVE.
- If you have a really large task commit to 30 for 30. Just do 30 minutes a day for 30 consecutive days. You can complete a huge task in this time (15 hours.)
- Find an accountability partner. Someone who you won’t want to let down, so they’ll keep you on track.
Just go for it!
If we wait for motivation, it will never come.
We have to make a start and THEN the motivation comes.
Just get over that initial hurdle.
Things never seem as bad as we think they’ll be, once we get going.
Many times I’ve completed a task and then thought what was all the fuss about? It was fine once I got going.
If you’d like me to help you overcome your childhood conditioning and tackle those terrible twins, get in touch.
Don’t procrastinate, do it now 🙂
Have a great week!
Much Love
Christina xx