Attachment style – what’s all that about?
Let me explain…
Have you ever noticed that we all show up differently in our relationships?
Some people are quite easy-going and secure in their relationships, some are more detached and need a lot of space, whilst others are quite clingy and don’t really like any time apart at all.
This is because different people have different attachment styles.
There are 4 main styles:-
Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and Fearful or Disorganised Avoidant.
Attachment theory was developed in the 1950s.
The theory states that our attachment style is shaped in our very first year of childhood, in response to our earliest relationship with our caregivers.
We are born completely helpless, so we are hardwired at birth to search for and attach to a reliable caregiver for protection.
The quality of that very first relationship influences us throughout our whole life, both in how we deal with loss and how we behave in relationships.
Secure attachment – this can be found in approximately 55% of the general population.
It was formed when our early caregivers were responsive and attuned to our needs as a child. We trusted that we would be looked after and cared for.
Hence, someone with a secure attachment style is solid, balanced and secure in love.
They trust and can be trusted.
They are comfortable with intimacy, but they can also confidently spend time away from their partner without worrying too much.
They’re grounded and easy-going in love.
Secure attachment is considered the healthy ideal for relationships.
Anxious attachment – this can be found in approximately 20% of the general population.
It was formed when our early caregivers were not responsive or attuned to our needs as a child.
They were inconsistent or distant – sometimes overly involved, sometimes withdrawn.
This leads the child to believe that their needs won’t be met, and this carries forward into all future relationships.
Hence, someone with an Anxious attachment style is insecure in their connections.
They can be needy or clingy.
They feel anxious a lot of the time when away from their partner.
They have a deep fear of abandonment, so need lots of validation and reassurance.
A partner not texting straight back or not coming home on time can cause real difficulties for this type of person.
Avoidant attachment – this can be found in approximately 25% of the general population.
It was formed when our early caregivers were unresponsive, dismissive or distant – emotionally disconnected from their child.
This leads the child to believe that their needs won’t be met, so they must meet their own needs. They must be self-sufficient.
Someone with an Avoidant attachment style has a real fear of intimacy.
Consequently, they tend to have trouble getting close to or trusting others. They don’t like to commit.
True love seems too good to be true to them. So at best, they have one foot in, but always one foot out too.
They typically need to maintain some distance from their partners and can be emotionally unavailable.
They can find relationships suffocating, so love to be independent.
A very small percentage of this last group are classed as Fearful or Disorganised Avoidant.
They are a combination of the Avoidant and Anxious types, in that they desperately crave affection but also want to avoid it at all costs.
They’re reluctant to develop a close romantic relationship, yet at the same time have a real yearning to be loved by others.
Their behaviour is inconsistent as they flit between the two extremes.
The earliest relationship for these people was frightening or traumatizing.
There may have been neglect or even abuse, leading the child to experience a deep sense of fear and a lack of trust despite wanting a loving connection.
Anxious, Avoidant and Fearful/Disorganised Avoidant are all insecure attachment styles.
It’s not just this earliest relationship that shapes our attachment style.
Our other relationships play a huge role too.
You may grow up with a secure attachment style, but infidelity or a significant loss in an earlier important relationship can lead to Anxious or Avoidant attachment styles in future relationships.
Many formerly Secure types can become Avoidant to stop themselves getting hurt again.
Conversely, we can have an Anxious or Avoidant attachment style, but with the right Secure partner, over time, we can become more secure.
Love and connection is the one thing the vast majority of people crave more than anything else.
The more sensitive you are, or the more lonely, the more you will crave love and connection.
Unfortunately, genuine secure love and connection is not always easy to come by.
Both my Lovelies and my Lonelies struggle with their love-lives, but for entirely different reasons.
My Lovelies are more often than not Anxious, and my Lonelies are more often than not Avoidant or even Fearful Avoidant.
So often Anxious types end up with Avoidant types, only making their anxiety worse.
It’s far from ideal.
Or a formerly Secure person can be pulled into Anxiety by an Avoidant person.
Also far from ideal.
A huge amount of Lovelies will attract Avoidant partners.
They are just so drawn to your sweet, lovely ways.
They want love more than anything, because they’ve never had it, but they fear it.
Love can be dangerous…even terrifying to them.
Love = Pain.
So they’re hot and cold and in and out.
They want it, they fear it, they want it, they fear it.
This is a nightmare for the poor Anxious person.
When love is there it feels wonderful, but when it’s withdrawn, (which it almost always is) it feels devastating.
This in and out can almost create an addicted feeling for the poor person experiencing the Avoidance.
You crave that wonderful love, but then it’s snatched away again, when your person’s fear is triggered.
So it’s like Heaven/hell…heaven/hell…heaven/hell.
Does this sound familiar?
I know I’ve fallen into this trap in the past 🙁
Although Secure attachment style is the biggest percentage of the population, lots of Secure types are already in marriages or serious relationships, so the dating pool has a much bigger percentage of Avoidants.
Just be careful my Lovelies.
I don’t want you to have your heart broken by someone (who may be a good person) but will be hot and cold and always have their trainers by the door, ready to run!
What can we do to stop being Anxious or Avoidant and move into being Secure (irrespective of our childhood or other relationships?)
We can build our self-esteem.
Low self-esteem is a characteristic across ALL of the insecure attachment styles.
Healthy self-esteem for Anxious types enables you to become more stable, more assertive, more able to put up appropriate boundaries to ensure that you receive better treatment in love.
Healthy self-esteem for Avoidant types enables you to see that you really do deserve love. There’s no need to always run from it. You don’t need to fear intimacy and not let anyone in. You deserve love as much as anyone else.
If you’re ready to boost your self-esteem to secure the love you deserve then contact me today.
I can’t wait to meet you and help sort out your love life.
Much Love
Christina xx