So many gentle, sensitive people struggle to say this word.
It’s such a tiny little word – almost more of a sound than an actual word.
But despite its diminutive size, most nice people find it incredibly difficult to get past their lips.
I know for a good chunk of my life, I was this way.
And most (if not all) of my Lovely clients are this way too.
Why is it so flipping hard for us???
Well, because of our craving for approval, we just can’t bear to hurt, let down or disappoint anyone.
So we learn to suck it up and hurt, let down or disappoint ourselves instead 🙁
We hate the thought of any potential conflict, confrontation or bad feeling.
This terrible trio are a gentle Lovelies’ worst nightmare.
So we just keep schtum.
SOMETIMES we CAN manage to say it at home, but we struggle to say it at work.
If this is the case, our inability to utter that one little word will get us more and more work piled on top of us.
Our boss or work colleagues know full well that we’re incapable of saying no.
So they take full advantage…by landing us with all those last minute rush jobs that mean we have to work late, or the grotty jobs that everyone else has been avoiding like the plague all week.
Other times, it’s socially where we struggle.
We know the LAST thing we want to do is attend someone’s dreary gathering or the neighbours’ impromptu drinks.
Our bodies are screaming NO, but for some reason our head’s start nodding and the word YES comes out of our mouth!
We worry that people won’t like us if we say no.
We ALL have a fundamental need for social connection and a feeling that we belong.
This goes back to our tribal days, when if we were ostracised from the tribe, it meant almost certain death from starvation, the cold or marauding wild animals.
Very often we grew up in families where we COULDN’T say no.
It just wasn’t tolerated.
This is where our Lovely ways began for most of us.
Saying no or getting angry, would be gravely disapproved of.
We’d be reprimanded, and in some cases, even physically punished.
Some poor children are even assaulted or beaten.
In dysfunctional homes, the more sensitive children tend to take on the role of peacemaker.
They will do their utmost to keep things ticking over smoothly, never rocking the boat.
So they’ll pacify their emotionally abusive father.
They’ll look after their severely depressed mother.
The better behaved they are, the more they believe they’ll alleviate the chaos in the home.
They become little angel children that grow up with the belief that they don’t really matter; that everyone else matters more than them.
Bless them.
This conditioning runs deep.
So once we’re in this habit, its difficult, if not nigh on impossible to change, unless WE change.
This change is not only vital for our emotional health though, it’s vital for our overall health too.
When we find it impossible to say no (when we really want to) we are in essence letting our bodies down.
Not saying no at work can lead to overwork, a sense of injustice and eventually potential burn-out or exhaustion.
Not saying no at home can lead to resentment, bitterness and eventually potential illness.
Dr Gabor Mate talks about this in his fabulous book When the Body Says No.
When people are compulsively concerned about the emotional needs of others, rather than their own, it can lead to auto-immune diseases.
Although 80% of all auto-immune diseases are reported by women. I’ve seen my male Lovelies be affected by these diseases too.
It’s the people who are more concerned with their roles and duties in the world than their own wellbeing, that are most affected.
In other words, the people-pleasers and peace-makers who suppress their true feelings.
These people really do believe they are responsible for everyone else’s happiness.
If never uprooted, these beliefs can become fatal.
Repression of our true feelings (or healthy anger) disturbs our immune system.
When you suppress one aspect of yourself (your true feelings) you repress the other.
A suppressed immune system is more likely to let you down or even eventually turn against you.
Gabor states in his book, that people who are emotionally repressed are more likely to get lung cancer.
Emotional repression can have huge consequences physiologically.
After 42 years of being an emotionally repressed Lovely I developed Type 1 diabetes (a non-reversible auto-immune disease that damages the pancreas).
I must now test my blood regularly and inject insulin at every meal to keep my blood sugars balanced 🙁
Research has proved that Multiple Sclerosis, Motor Neurone disease and Rheumatoid Arthritis are all diseases that NICE people suffer from.
Niceness is so often a repression of healthy anger.
But Christina, you say, I like being nice!
Well, you can be as nice as you like, if it’s not disconnecting you from your real self.
I’m still nice!
I’m just no longer too nice for my own good.
If you’re being nice, because you’re AFRAID not to be nice, it’s not coming from your REAL self, it’s coming from your damaged childhood self.
For many children, being nice was the only way they could get any love or attention (or even survive).
You must learn to only ever give when you really want to.
And keep yourself topped up, so you ALWAYS only give from your overflow!
Boosting your self-esteem gives you the ability to say no very naturally.
It’s a wonderful by-product of the process.
It enables you to function as your REAL self, NOT the self that suppresses their true feelings.
We have the emotion of anger for a reason.
Healthy anger gives us the energy to fight an injustice.
It gives us the power to take action to protect ourselves.
It’s a very healthy emotion when directed in the right way.
Saying no is not a case of being harsh, rude or insensitive (unless you say it that way).
It’s just a case of being able to utter the word when you’re GENUINELY feeling that way.
It’s being congruent with who you REALLY are.
People with healthy self-esteem do it all the time.
They don’t have any qualms about it.
A definite no is a definite no, that way a definite yes also becomes a definite yes.
Not a wishy-washy yes that you might flake out of further down the line.
Things become clearer and not so fuzzy for everyone.
It’s a very liberating feeling to start saying no, after a lifetime of never uttering it.
Everyone knows where they stand that way.
Your NO MUSCLE may be weak in the beginning, after years of never using it, but it becomes stronger very quickly with continued use!
Saying no is a central dynamic of being a healthy human being.
It doesn’t make you a bad person!
As babies we weren’t born people-pleasers.
We didn’t think Oh Mum and Dad may be busy right now, so I won’t disturb them.
No, if we were hungry, wet or bored we’d bawl our heads off till they came – busy or not.
People-pleasing is a learned behaviour.
Babies express their needs!
At what age did you take on the belief that if you said no or suppressed your needs you weren’t likeable or worthwhile?
I can pinpoint exactly where this happened in my childhood.
Who/where would you be without that belief?
As a child you had no choice, now, as an adult you do.
Are you ready to overcome your childhood conditioning?
You’re not broken, you never were.
You just need a few tweaks to your belief systems and your self-esteem can soar.
Once that’s happened, that tiny little word will trip of your lips with ease 🙂
Please get in touch today.
If you’re an extreme Lovely, like I was, your physical health may be at greater risk.
Let’s do something about it right now.
Much Love
Christina xx