For a long time I believed that so many of my negative traits and issues were unique and personal to me.
They were MY foibles, MY insecurities, MY funny ways…and other people didn’t have them.
It’s only after working with literally hundreds of clients with low self-esteem that I now realise they weren’t just MY foibles at all – they were low self-esteem’s foibles.
I’ve written about this before; take a look if you’d like to read more on this topic.
Is it just me or is it low self-esteem?
One of the biggest things I struggled with was guilt.
For most of my younger life I was absolutely riddled with it.
I felt guilty for the things I didn’t do AND the things I did do.
I’ll quickly qualify this by saying I barely ever DID anything.
I was the goodest good girl in the world.
My non-stop yearning for approval meant that I couldn’t bear to do something that made anyone remotely disapprove of me in any way.
I just couldn’t bear it.
(I have to say here, I have always been a chatterbox – and that did get me into mild trouble on the odd occasion, but that was literally it).
So I never understood why I always felt so guilty.
If I saw a policeman coming towards me I would instantly feel guilty.
I’d blush, get flustered and my legs would turn to jelly (yes really).
If I saw a security guard look at me in a shop I would instantly feel guilty.
I’d look down, look away or even leave the shop, dropping my basket on the way.
If I was ever summoned by my boss I would instantly feel guilty.
My heart would sink to my boots and I’d practically hyperventilate all the way to his office.
If my husband/partner/friend/family member ever said to me “we need to have a talk” I would instantly feel guilty.
Then I’d start to feel shaky and physically sick. I wouldn’t be able to focus on another single thing until we’d had “the talk”.
If I was ever a second late for something I would instantly feel guilty.
It was wrong of me to be wasting someone else’s time.
If I was ever a few minutes too early for something I would instantly feel guilty.
It was rude of me to be impinging on someone else’s time.
If someone told me I had let them down/upset them/offended them in ANY way my guilt would be off the scale.
I would immediately assume I was a wicked, terrible person and I’d turn myself upside down and inside out trying to grovel, apologise and put whatever I was supposed to have done wrong right.
And the list goes on…
(Yes, I really was this bad).
Guilt was my constant companion.
I ALWAYS believed I was in the wrong, ALL the time…about everything!
Even when LOGICALLY I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong at all.
Can you relate?
Many Lovelies I meet suffer from a guilt complex, like I did.
It dominates their feelings and emotions, just like it did mine.
For me, it was an impulse that was triggered so easily and intensely.
It was like being struck by a thunderbolt.
And it caused a lot of deep distress.
Guilt is a very heavy emotion.
Its “normal” and healthy to feel remorseful if we’ve done something wrong – that’s why the emotion of guilt exists.
It’s not “normal” or healthy to feel guilty if we haven’t.
Guilt is half of a particularly unpleasant pairing that often go together.
Shame and guilt.
So many people’s lives have been blighted by an excess of one or both of these two.
Shame is feeling bad for who we are.
Guilt is feeling bad for what we’ve done.
In the vast majority of cases, where Lovelies are concerned anyway, the guilt is usually false guilt.
Because most of the time, like me, they haven’t done anything wrong.
It’s all to do with not feeling worthwhile unless we’re perfect.
Thinking we can never make a mistake/be mistaken/fail/be different.
Believing we’re always in the wrong or in trouble, even when we’re not.
Always analysing what we could have done differently or better.
Always believing other people are more important/relevant than we are.
Feeling bad for not just what we may have done, but also who we are – there’s that terrible twin again – shame.
Beating ourselves up constantly when things don’t go right.
Wudda, cudda, shudda-ing non-stop.
It’s EXHAUSTING…
If a guilt complex is left unchecked it can lead to a number of more serious mental health conditions.
It can increase anxiety, stress and depression and in some cases even lead to OCD.
Guilt complexes are always tied to low self-esteem.
Most complexes originate in childhood.
When children are repeatedly treated as though they’ve done something wrong, like they can never do anything right, it can make them feel responsible for negative events, even when they aren’t.
This can lead to intense feelings of shame and/or guilt, especially in a sensitive child.
If this is then reinforced on a regular basis, a pattern or habit is formed.
Sometimes it’s not our parenting, its society or our culture that leads to us feeling guilty.
This is usually when we don’t fit comfortably into a certain box or structure.
We know we don’t fit, but we feel guilty about not fitting.
Religion can play a part too – especially if you are Catholic (Me).
Many Catholics and former Catholics suffer from tremendous guilt.
The experiences we have in childhood so often shape the way we see the world.
I recently met with a new client for the first time.
He’s a lovely guy, but it’s plain to see he feels so much guilt for the way things have played out in his life.
His discomfort is palpable.
He was shocked at just how much I knew about him, even though we’d only just met.
It wasn’t rocket science for me, it was easy.
I knew so much about him because he was a carbon copy of the old me.
He was me to a T.
I see this with so many of my Lovely clients.
Low self-esteem leaves clues…
I can’t be certain when, but my guilt complex fell away when my self-esteem rose.
I didn’t work on it specifically.
It just literally fell away, like so many of my other foibles.
This was one of the main reasons I decided to specialise in self-esteem coaching.
Raise your self-esteem and everything that is not the REAL you does fall away.
It’s like magic.
It really is.
I’d love to help you let go of your guilt complex.
Like me, you probably have nothing to ACTUALLY feel guilty about.
And even if you do, do you deserve to be punished for the rest of your life?
I very much doubt it.
You’ve served your time now.
If you prefer to go it alone, then I suggest you give the following a try:-
- Analyse your negative core beliefs. Examine your feelings and ask yourself where the guilt may be coming from.
- Shift your perspective – are you looking through an old negative lens? Try and zoom out and view things from a different angle.
- Be kind to yourself and focus on any positives – all the good that you do in your life.
- Talk to kind family members and/or friends. This may reframe the guilt for you.
Alternatively get in touch with me here – let’s start boosting your self-esteem, so all that isn’t the real you falls away.
It’s time to jilt the guilt…
Much Love
Christina xx